


Vacant Infatuations

by Sombereyes



Category: Mai-HiME
Genre: Drama, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-01
Updated: 2013-10-01
Packaged: 2017-12-28 04:05:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 33,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/987447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sombereyes/pseuds/Sombereyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things can't be forgotten, yet staying bound in the past isn't always an option. When you have a choice, two roads before you, which one would you take? Being lost in emptiness, or fighting the darkness in your own soul. With love comes light, but with light, is there still dark? Shizuru and Natsuki still need to find out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: In recent weeks I received a request from Maii-senpaii to do a multiple chapter Shiz/Nat fan fiction. I agreed to do it, so here we are, chapter one, of who knows how many. This fiction will not be dark, but it will also not be completely light and fluffy. Some place in the middle I hope. I hope you all enjoy this work. For those of you still following "Symmetry" no worries, I'll still be working on that one too.
> 
> I have no set date on how quickly this will be updated, but I would assume at least every 10-14 days, we'll see how it works out.
> 
> I don't own Mai HiME.

**Prologue  
** (POV, Natsuki)

Salutations,

If you're reading this, it's been exactly three weeks since the carnival. I'm writing this for the future. For the other HiME that will be born into this world. I don't know when it will happen, I don't know if you'll fight the same way we did. I don't even know, if you'll be the keeper of Duran like I was. I'm leaving this for you, as a time capsule of sorts. I want you to understand what we went though, although, I doubt I'll do anything justice. I guess this is just my way of putting these feelings into a box, and then locking it away. If that is the case, and you aren't a HiME, you're lucky.

The future is an uncertainty, and my battle is done. Now, as I sit here writing this, I realize, I've got to leave something. Some type of legacy, so that what happened now, doesn't happen in the future. Then again, I doubt any of you could stop it, if you were indeed HiME. You'd fight, become angry, lose control...so, maybe what I should tell you is the aftermath. Assuming you survive, that you do come back from that unknown world...life is different, and perhaps, that's the thing I should warn you about the most.

There are days when life seems inconsequential. It doesn't mean anything. The sun would rise and fall, even if you weren't there. That's the lesson we learned as HiME. No matter how much [pain](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8580200/1/Vacant-Infatuations) we brought, how many people we lost, it didn't matter. At the end of the day, people would cry as we reached out, trying to grasp onto the sparks as they dissipated into nothingness. It was all we could do not to get lost in our emotions. Some of us angry, others grieving in despair. It was a dark time in our lives, and though a few of us were friends, we were forced to become enemies. It was inevitable, I think.

The madness that tore though us all left gaping wounds that can't ever be filled by our willpower. The things we did requires a sort of ending, a retribution, if we're to keep on living without regrets. The memories need a place in the back of our minds never to be forgotten, but also, never to relive. There's got to be someplace that you draw the line. For some of us, that line can't ever be drawn. There's no clarity, grayness of right and wrong surpass logic, morals, and even love.

Would you kill thousands in the name of love?  
Would you become so angry, you'd blame your best friend for the death of a family member?  
Would you get so caught up in revenge, that you couldn't stop the hate and malice that birthed more destruction?

Those were the things we've done, the lines we crossed. It didn't end there, either. The highlights of events are so muddled I can't even begin to explain them. To dig ourselves out of something that deep, it can't be done alone. For some of us, the only values we have in our lives anymore, is the value other people give us. I know it sounds stupid, thinking that we all have burdens that are worse than everyone else. Still, some people aren't as resilient as Mikoto, or Midori. Some of us can't be flighty, like Mai and Yukino. Some of us can't forgive everyone else...and others try to shoulder all of the blame themselves.

That's no way to live.

At some point, you have to draw that line. You have to put the past behind you. The question is, how do you do that, when your past is nothing but the HiME, like me? What about Shizuru? She has to go to bed every night, knowing what she did, knowing the hurt she gave to others, myself included. How do you pick up the pieces to that? We don't know how. I'd like to think I've done the best I can, giving Shizuru some measure of solace. It's not enough though. I don't know what to do...

I guess this is my redemption. My way to draw the line. Thinking that there will be another event in the future, knowing that it might not be the end, makes me realize this cycle is endless, so why should my grieving be? Why should the guilt I harbor transcend the time I have left in this world, carried by only the whims in my heart. The fact is, it shouldn't be. So here I am now, writing and burying my testament of the battles, of the aftermath. I'll save a copy as well, save it for my future, for the generations that come after me, because it may be blood related, family lines may have ties.

If that's the case, call this my insurance policy for the future, or at the very least, my way to close the book...

...

Natsuki closed the folder that sat on her desk. "I just don't know Mai. Sometimes I wonder if Shizuru still blames herself." She'd spent the last hour catching up on the phone with her friend. "I guess it shouldn't matter, but sometimes, I think it does." It had been a few years since she wrote that letter. Messy, sloppy script that she hadn't put any careful planning in. There was a lock box she and Shizuru shared, a monument of sorts, that they kept their past in. "You know, she locked away a bunch of stuff too." Written notes, folders of regrets, pictures of times they'd never get back. All of it contained in a fire proof safe inside of the tiny home office, where Natsuki usually played her online games, and Shizuru finished her coursework.

"We all did Natsuki." Mai laughed, trying to lighten the mood. "Hey, do you think the time capsule is still at the school?" It was a way to move on, or so they thought, when all of the HiME, and those involved, buried a metal capsule at their school, filled with memories.

" I know it is." Natsuki locked the folder away as she got up to get a drink. "I'm the one who dug the hole, remember? I doubt anyone will find it, so it'll be safe." Natsuki had been careful to put it in a spot that no one would really think to look, a place hidden deep under the school. Hues of pastel pinks cascaded through the window of the small household kitchen. "So Mai, hows the baby?" The home was quaint, inexpensive, and lacking many of the finer luxuries. It wasn't that she couldn't afford them, but rather, that she didn't want to mess with it.

"I put him down for a nap a short while ago." Mai said softly, yet happily. "Started teething, so he's been getting low grade fevers. Tate gets worried about every little thing, but you know how he is. The baby is well though."

"Sounds nice." Natsuki wistfully sighed as she tossed away yet another empty box of cigarettes, ones she'd confiscated from Nao earlier that afternoon. "I miss you guys, you know that, right?" Her tired voice the only noise worthwhile in the lonely abode.

"It's better out here." Mai told her, though she missed her friends too. "The fresh air is good for Takumi, and Akira doesn't have to hide her gender, so they can be a real couple. It's cute, and I'm happy for them." Days passed by slowly without much to worry about. Daily life was mundane, compared to what they'd been though. "I do wish we would be able to visit more often, but you know how that goes. How's Mikoto doing, I haven't heard from her recently."

"I keep an eye on her." It was something she promised Mai she'd do, and she stuck firmly to her word. "She's not getting into as much trouble as before, but she really wanted to go with you. Mikoto always says that it's not the same without you, and she's right, you know? She's been hanging out with Nao more, I don't know if that's a good thing or not." There were dishes that she should do, the floor could use a sweeping, and over all, there was just a lot of other odds and ends that needed to be done. Natsuki didn't care though.

"Probably not." Natsuki heard Mai say as she poured herself a glass of soda. "But even so, Mikoto has to learn to live her own life, and not just follow us around."

"Mikoto's not like that." Retiring into the living room seemed like a good idea. "She waits for your visits all the time, and I can't tell you how how many times I find her sleeping at my doorstep. She isn't happy here Mai, she belongs with you guys." Her only companions were a ticking clock, and a sleeping puppy. It was her reminder of how lonely the HiME actually were.

"She belongs with Reito." Mai told Natsuki, her tone caring, yet firm. "You're not an older sibling, Natsuki. You don't understand. Mikoto is all Reito has, and he needs to step up, and be a good older brother. I did it with Takumi, and he has to learn to do it with her."

"She likes Shizuru more than she likes Reito." Natsuki grumbled. "Reito isn't suited to looking after her, and really, I'm not exactly the best choice either. Why not just let her go to the same school your brother and Akira do. She could visit Reito on the weekends, and then spend her week with you while she's in school. It would be perfect." Shizuru wouldn't be home from her classes for a few hours, and that made Natsuki realize how much time she'd spent by herself in the past. "It would give you an excuse to travel more." Now that she actually shared a home with Shizuru, she finally understood how important it was to have others around. It still boggled her mind how much things had changed. "You'd like that, right?"

"I would, if it was feasible." Mai was home sick too, in a way. How could she just forget, it would be impossible. All of the nights spent singing with her friends through the halls of the high school, the birthday parties that they'd have in the dorms, the sleepovers, even the battles, the sadness and tears. It all seemed so far away for Mai, and she assumed her distance made everyone well aware of that fact. "Tate just doesn't make that much money, and just because Takumi fully recovered doesn't mean I want him taking on more than he can handle." The clock rang five times, a single they'd been talking for longer than they should have. "I've gotta go though, or dinner will never get done."

"Yeah, same here." Natsuki agreed. "I still have some chores to do." They'd said their goodbyes slowly. Even if they made phone calls as often as possible, it wasn't like being at the cafe, or hanging around someplace. It bugged Natsuki, knowing that, and she knew Mikoto felt the same way. All of them were growing up, moving on, but that phone call unearthed some very deep memories. Ones both fond, and yet, very painful. Natsuki's first kiss wasn't like the movies, hell, she couldn't even call it romantic. She could only think of it as dark, the insanity of the situation fresh in her mind, even after such time has past.

Shizuru loved Natsuki, and that was the honest truth.

It was a confession that rattled her, shook her to the core. Natsuki's feelings were a bit more undecided. She hadn't thwarted Shizuru's advances, even when they got decidedly more bold by the month, but that didn't mean Natsuki was ready to commit herself to being in love with anyone, let alone another woman. The feelings were new, and incredibility strange, even after so much time had gone by. It should be old news, Natsuki realized, but for some reason it wasn't. She wanted to reach out and embrace Shizuru, to eagerly give back the simplicities of romance, but nothing more than that.

The mere idea of doing something more than that sent a shiver of fear down Natsuki's spine.

She'd just gotten used to the idea of kissing, and cuddling on the sofa together, but things hadn't gone beyond that. Shizuru wanted more, she craved it. That prospect worried Natsuki. She wasn't put off by the idea, like she thought she could have been. Was she ready for that? She just didn't know. Natsuki was happy to just take things slow, to feel out the situation bit by bit. Natsuki had already resigned herself to the fact that she would be with Shizuru. It was only a matter of time.

It wasn't that she was settling, like Mai had assumed early on.

Far from it, in fact. She just wasn't interested in the pursuit of love, and Shizuru was already there, ready to offer more than anyone else probably could. Their history went far back enough, that Natsuki knew she needed Shizuru. There would be no one else quite like the woman of fawn tresses and crimson eyes. Her soft voice was filled with a toxic melody, one both seductive, and dangerous. She was, for lack of a better term, possessive over Natsuki. Returning Shizuru's affection was the least Natsuki could do, but it was also not enough.

Not for either of them.

...

To move on from the darkness wasn't as easy for some as it was for others. Most of the HiME had bounced back incredibly well, but not all of them. There were a few with lingering problems. First of the stragglers, Nao had a bad habit with welcoming trouble, but that wasn't unusual. Mikoto kept moping around, Mai's departure a depressing one for the young teen. Then, there was the trouble with love. Yukino found herself unable to really open up to Haruka, and the two of them suffered greatly when Haruka couldn't come to terms with Yukino's sexuality.

If that hadn't been the icing on the cake, Shizuru's situation clearly was.

"Do you feel as if Natsuki would leave you behind?" The school nurse was the only professional Shizuru could talk with after the incidents. The woman was the only one who could possibly believe the truth, but even then, she was a far cry from what Shizuru probably needed. Over cups of tea, they would indeed spend time together. The battle of the HiME leaving more scars that what could possibly be explained. "Are you honestly worried, even given the situation of Duran?" They kept it secret, mostly because Shizuru wanted it that way.

"Even if a HiME has a most important person, that person can easily change. Sometimes, we aren't even aware when it happens." Shizuru explained as she gazed into the warm liquid as it sloshed around in her cup. "Within that, you must take into account that anything can happen." The question at hand, well, that was more difficult to answer properly. "Duran may have grown larger, but my own greed had consumed me. It would be stupid to assume that love, and his power, came from Natsuki's bond with me alone. It does anger me greatly, that I know such a truth, but as you say, I worry I would be the next in line."

"The battle leaves you doubtful of Natsuki's true intentions?" Again, the poor nurse missed the point.

"I am quite clear of her intentions." Shizuru told her quietly. "It is true, I doubted them at first, feeling as if she was simply trying to tame the madness inside of me. However, I know that is untrue, and only paranoia could feed such a ridiculous claim. Natsuki would never be untrue, she can't lie so easily. To pull such a thing off would be nearly impossible. Anyone can tell she is an honest person, she isn't capable of doing something like that."

"Then, what is it?" Just like that, Shizuru could feel the heat on her. That was the question no one ever dared to ask, not even Natsuki. Shizuru swallowed hard as Yohko looked at her, watching and waiting.

"I believe Natsuki has doubts." Shizuru began, thinking carefully at how should could begin to explain such a feeling. It was grim, the way the carnival worked its wicked magics. It was a deep murky pool of unknown. For all of them, Midori included. Yohko knew that, and had even experienced small amounts of it herself. Yet, it was nothing compared to the anguish Shizuru had gone through. "Natsuki is a very different person than what one first perceives, shall we say." Shizuru was much the same, but even so, she knew Natsuki was the enigma to most. "Natsuki is a rather soft girl, even when she's angry. I know she likes to come off as pig headed, and rather brash, but, that's just her way. I fear deep down, she wants a normal life, the one which she never had herself."

Yohko nodded. "Midori told me, that the HiME gained powers because of overwhelming feelings. That you need to have a bond that runs deeply with the child in question." Shizuru nodded in kind, agreeing with what Yohko had been told. "Midori's beast was named Gakutenou." Yohko sighed, though she didn't know why she wanted to toss out such information. "She's said that he was a dark mind with a lot of remorse and regret. His anger fueled her powers. As much as Midori herself doesn't look it, she too holds a lot of baggage, I suppose all of the HiME do. Things left undone, words that could never be said, I believe is how she coined his existence."

"Precisely." That much was something Shizuru grasped onto, holding it near within her heart. "How strong our feelings were, made our powers grow stronger. Any single one of us could have been named the strongest of HiME, but the power would have had to consume us, and then, we would have been no better than the obsidian price himself. Duran was a lonely soul, one that Natsuki said battled with his memories every day. She used to do the same, and so, Duran chose her. She felt as if he was her only companion. That's why his name was the one of her childhood pet." Shizuru knew her own power had come from a deep feeling too, although hers was a much darker one inherently. "She's trying to make a family. One as close as it can be."

"The only way she could possibly do that now, is with the other HiME at her side." Yohko finally understood. "Natsuki's always driven in everything she does, so it makes sense she'd follow through with something like that too. She treats Mai and Mikoto like sisters, family she'd never have otherwise."

"Kiyohime is possessive." Shizuru sighed. "Unlike Duran who sought out fulfillment from the hearts of many, in order to fill his many voids, Kiyohime isn't like that. A HiME can only speak with their own power, not the others. I don't know what Duran was really like, only Natsuki could hear him. Still, Kiyohime was powerful, and just like I sought only for Natsuki, she sought only one soul in which to chase. For a HiME and a child to pair together, you must have an increasingly strong bond. Meaning that the things I did wouldn't matter regardless. My soul would have still wished to see all of District One dead, I still would have wanted to do it. Having her power only enabled me, nothing more."

"I assume that would be a rather frightening experience." Yohko agreed, remembering Midori's own, much less dramatic realizations. "However, that still doesn't explain why you're so concerned for her well being. Natsuki seems very capable to me."

"I've been watching Natsuki for some time now." It wasn't that Natsuki couldn't handle herself, but rather, that she was hesitating. "Ever since Mai had her son and moved away, Natsuki's been acting a bit under the weather. A normal person looking in from the outside would never notice. However, I'm far more than just an outside observer." She was more than that by far. She was the one who held Natsuki's heart. The infamous ice queen, the Kuga glare, Natsuki was Shizuru's to love and protect. "I want her to have everything she wants, but I can tell she's still struggling with it."

"With what?" that was the unclear answer.

"Everything." Shizuru said, knowing it to be the only truthful reply.

...

Natsuki was a healthy young woman. She had indeed taken notice of Shizuru. She even enjoyed the traits she likely shouldn't have. If that made her gay or not, she'd yet to figure out. She really hadn't cared though. It only bugged her sometimes, like when she thought about intimacies. She wasn't naive about the things couples did. She had needs too. Natsuki hadn't wanted to admit it, but Shizuru was the one that plagued her dreams. They would torment her night after night.

She knew Shizuru hadn't even begun to try to be provocative. Hadn't even suggest seriously that they begin to have relations, but it didn't stop the idea from playing in Natsuki's mind. The idea of such a thing made Natsuki worry. She longed for Shizuru's touch, her gentle teasing, and perhaps, even making love to the woman. The idea frightened her, but it also wouldn't go away. It was nagging, especially when she was by herself. "This is stupid." She said, as if it made the thought true.

Natsuki stood from her sofa, stretching as she went out to the garage. She was in the middle of repainting it, and figured it was a good way to kill time. It was evenings like tonight when loneliness set in the strongest. Awaiting Shizuru to come home, so they could share their day. She wanted Shizuru to walk through the door, to greet her after a long day, to have a kiss, and then supper. Natsuki had wanted to be the idea of a housewife. It would have been a mockery if her friends knew that, but it was just her personal little pipe dream. One that Shizuru had caught wind of early on.

At first, it was just a joke between the two of them, but it really was something more now. A calling, so to speak, and Natsuki really didn't want to give that up. It was her way to be normal, though, she had to admit, the idea of being a homemaker wasn't the appealing part. Being a mother was. The real idea of a parent, the one she'd never had. That's what Natsuki wanted, and she dreamed of the day that she could. Still, it was farther off than she wanted to accept. It made her think often, the white walls merely an escape for her mind as she rolled on a fresh coat of paint.

It was a few hours later, when her little bubble would break. It was somewhere in the middle of shoving all of the HiME into one, very large house, and envisioning the perfect nursery. She'd never say it out loud, but she thought about those things often.

"Ara, you aren't bathing in that, are you?" Shizuru perplexed voice rang out as she stepped out of her small economy car. Her clothing was conservative, a gray blazer doing nothing for the hourglass figure underneath. "Natsuki is quite the mess." Her eyes shimmered in amusement, a smirk tugging at her lips.

"Yeah, well this has to get done sooner or later, and I'd rather sooner, damn it." Her arms were dripping in wet paint, and her hair had a few droplets in it as well. "If I don't, then your new car could get stolen, and that would just suck."

"I doubt my car is of any interest for passersby." Shizuru giggled at the mere idea. It may have been new, but it wasn't the most impressive car on the street. "The people across the street have a convertible. The one family next door has a minivan, and a motorcycle. My little car isn't anything compared to that."

"Are you kidding?" Natsuki said, turning from the wall, only to have another big glop of paint fall on top of her head. "It's your car." She groused, more at the fact that the pain was splattering everywhere, that at Shizuru. "The first one you've ever owned. It should be like your baby. The first bike I ever had was mine, and I took care of it every day."

Shizuru suppressed a remark about Natsuki infatuation with motorized vehicles, and instead, just took in the appearance of her lover. Her black shirt could now be considered ruined, and her jeans weren't any better. "Natsuki looks like a dalmatian, perhaps she should go take a proper bath." It was a suggestion Natsuki took to heart, although, she hadn't been done yet with the wall yet. "If you go now, I'll prepare supper whilst you're busy."

"Sounds better than lighting up the grill." Natsuki shrugged. She couldn't cook much, but what she did make, was normally pretty good. "Veggie soup, or something like that?" Granted, there were only so many types of dishes one could fabricate from meat alone. Natsuki didn't dare cook near the stove, the mere idea provoking more trouble than the intended outcome.

"I thought so." Shizuru nodded in reply. "After all, there's only so many times I can eat red meat in a week." That was all Natsuki knew how to prepare.

Natsuki smiled at that, and went to go freshen up, leaving Shizuru to her work in the kitchen. The small puppy, a little black lab, came scampering into the kitchen, looking to be fed some prized kibble. "Don't look at me." Shizuru sighed absent absentmindedly as she scanned through the mail they'd revived. "I'm not your food source." At first, there didn't seem to be anything of merit. A few bills that could be paid by phone, and a few advertizements. General things really, and Shizuru was momentary happy, until she came across a carefully folded letter from Yamada. Her eyes squinted at the poorly scribbled note that had likely been shoved in the bushes, as requested by Natsuki often.

_-The last facility standing has one known survivor, she has been removed from custody. She'd be the best choice for interrogation. I can find her location, but it will cost you double your usual amount. Give me a call, we can discuss the details.-_

Her old contact. One she still used to dig up dirt from the old HiME battles. It wasn't about revenge anymore, but it was a hobby. It ran just as deeply. Natsuki's memory of her mother had been shattered at one point in time. Natsuki had been told she was a HiME to be sold. It left matters feeling unstable, and muddled. There were passing thoughts about the HiME, and if they could be replicated, and Natsuki intended to find out how exactly it could happen. _"This woman must be a link of some nature."_ Shizuru thought as she put the note back on the table with the rest of the mail.

She worked quickly on dinner, but her pondering left her speed much to be desired as she struggled with chopping vegetables. Natsuki came out of the bathroom wearing little more than a terrycloth robe and some matching slippers. It was a common sight, but one that made Shizuru bite her lip. Her breath caught in her throat as she held back from the most tempting view she'd seen in a long time. Surely, they'd occasionally bathe together, and it wasn't any question she's seen Natsuki bare every morning as they dressed for their day. Yet, there was something alluring about a pure white robe, one that hid everything, like a soft welcoming gift wrap. It dared onlookers to dream, to fantasize about the prize within.

It was a distraction at the best of times...much to Shizuru's great dismay. It made her burn, sweat, and become nervous herself, fearing she may scare off her long time friend, and lover. Natsuki was still quite a bit skittish, a trial Shizuru knew they'd have to face soon, if only for her sanity. Lost sleep wasn't a welcome outcome, nor could she continue to contain her ravenous need to claim the younger woman. Her desires as dark as her blood red eyes. "You received another letter for Yamada." Small talk was only her way to concentrate, least dinner be forgotten for more nefarious activities. "Do you plan to call him?"

"I already did." Natsuki's voice drifted softly across the kitchen. It was never completely feminine, not airy and harmonious, like Shizuru herself could be. Yet there was something distinctly seducing about Natsuki's calm purr. "We're going to be driving up to the facility tomorrow, after I run some findings over to Yohko. Yamada said he'd meet me there." What she expected to find, she wasn't sure, but she was indeed interested in the note that gifted plentiful information. "The facility had been abandoned, but I just want to make sure there isn't going to be anything left behind. Did you want to come with me?"

"I'm afraid I can't this time." Shizuru told Natsuki sadly, even though she did want to go along. "I have class late that evening, there would be no possible way to go with you. I don't like it when you go on your own though. It could be considered dangerous. You should wait until I can come with you."

"I'll have my gun, Shizuru." Natsuki knew that wouldn't be enough of an answer for Shizuru. She stood from her chair, and meandering across the room, pulling the woman she loved close. "I know you're worried, but I promise you, everything will be fine. Besides, it isn't like you can just carry your naginata everywhere, and you can't pull things out of thin air anymore, so it would be best if you didn't insist on coming along anyway."

"I would still like to be there." Her voice was merely a breath, but Natsuki could hear her. "I need to see the things I've done, I never want to forget what my inhumanity caused."

"I understand." Natsuki nodded, taking in the scent of lavender, smiling into the embrace. "But you know Shizuru, you've gotta become okay sometime. Being sad over that, and everything, if we weren't meant to come back, we wouldn't have. So, we still belong here. At least, that's what I think."

They were meant to be together, not exactly because of fate. Just because it seemed right. Still, even so, when Shizuru turned around, her crimson orbs gazing deeply, searching for permission, Natsuki knew the woman before her still held secrets. Things Natsuki knew she likely never would find out about. When their lips touched, it was like they were back in the days of muddled confusion, during a time when Natsuki had throw caution into the wind. When Shizuru's tongue requested entrance, it became the silent plea, one the woman of fawn tresses never voiced. And lastly when well manicured nails tangled themselves in Natsuki's hair to deepen the kiss, the tangled web became infinitely harder to escape.

It was a dire need...a brutal want...and a heartfelt scream, something that begged to be noticed. It was all Natsuki could do to force herself to think, but she realized, at that same time, that she didn't want to. Temptations wasn't her mistress, and she dared not fall into it. She didn't flee though, even when the hunger in Shizuru eyes showed well of her thoughts. Those greedy, singled minded desires.

...

Shizuru sighed as Natsuki cuddled into her late that night, a frustrated sigh slipping from her lips as the younger woman slept. She's been so close this time, the fear in Natsuki's eyes hadn't actually shown up, but the hesitation did. It was both a blessing and a curse, Shizuru knew that. Still, it didn't stop the raw need that now coursed though her body. Shizuru, the chivalrous one for a change. She wondered how long it would take before Natsuki trusted her, but then again, this was the only thing she feared to take. She wanted Natsuki, badly. Yet, she almost wanted Natsuki to make the first move. To take the initiative so that she didn't have to. It wasn't that she was afraid of Natsuki, but rather, her reactions.

They were playful, yet fearful. Welcoming, yet guarded. The mixed messages weren't confusing though, Shizuru knew exactly what they meant. Natsuki has remembered a particular night vividly. A time when Shizuru had undressed in front of her, fallen down the road anguish, suffering in her eyes. Shizuru may not have taken Natsuki on that bitter night, but she'd wanted that more than anything, frighteningly so. It was maddening then, as Natsuki, under the influence of medicine from her wounds, rejected Shizuru's advances, tame though they were.

It wasn't until they'd been discovered, that Shizuru had really let Natsuki's rejection sink in. Looking back, it was likely her insistence that pushed Natsuki away, that even in such a sate, Natsuki knew better than to trust her friend. The painful reminder of where Shizuru stood in Natsuki's life reared an ugly head, a detrimental fact, one that could not be forgotten. That's when she lost it, she realized. When the final thread on her already fractured mind, snapped, and became lost in the abyss of her empty soul.

That's why she wanted Natsuki to make such an invitation, and to do it with as much resolve as the younger woman had done with anything else in her life. Her intentions were pure, Shizuru had to admit. It was just that Natsuki wasn't actually a sexual person, she didn't let baser emotions define her. It was an admirable trait, and one that frustrated Shizuru to no end. She wanted more than to hold Natsuki, more than just to feel her warmth. If that made her a sinner, Shizuru knew she was already surely damned anyway.

It was with great practiced restraint that she didn't move. That she stayed, carefully holding Natsuki near her beating heart. The greed of Kiyohime would likely never go away. Yet the desire to be the only one in Natsuki heart was without a doubt, an impossibility. Natsuki was not like Shizuru. She was not the lonely soul Shizuru thought she had been, the day Natsuki smothered the flower. There was a fleeting thought, a wish of sorts, Shizuru had occasionally had, thinking that Natsuki may have been better off with such a focus. But then, just like every time she thought such a thing, she reminded herself of Natsuki's heart, and the reason Duran chose her.

Then, like the plague, she'd remember why Kiyohime made the choice she did. Shizuru was such an individual, one Kiyohime related with. It would be no doubt, such possessive feelings would never go away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 1**

Her life hadn't exactly been one of permanence. She traveled, changed [apartments](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8580200/2/Vacant-Infatuations) all the time, and found herself to be quite solitary. She hadn't any good reason to have a puppy, because she had Duran. After the battle though, once things had cooled down a bit, she found herself lonely in a small way. she couldn't explain it. She had people to talk with, but that's not what she wanted all the time.

There's nothing quite like a pet. Human relationships, while well and good, don't make up for the wordless company an animal can give you. At first, she found it difficult thinking about [buying a new](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8580200/2/Vacant-Infatuations) dog. She's never let go of anything so dear before, and the memory of her old dog was one of importance. Still, as time went on, and she bought a nearly destroyed house to refurbish, she realized a dog was something she still wanted. A companion that spoke no words, but gave love just as easily.

Natsuki felt a love for older things, dilapidated and used. The house had been one of those things, in fact, even after she bought the place, it took several months before she could actually live in it...Shizuru at the time, didn't know why she insisted to purchase such a place.

Natsuki wasn't poor by any means. She was perhaps just as well off as Shizuru was, although trying to obtain any sort of allowance was like pulling teeth before she turned twenty-one. "I want a home..." Natsuki had said as she looked at her contract, the deed now hers. "I want a place that's mine, and protected. Something that needs to be rebuilt form the ashes." She'd said that with a smirk, although at the time, no one really understood her. Not until at least, the house became livable, and she presented Shizuru with a copy of the key. "To rebuild takes time, but the result is worth it." Each painstaking brick that had been replaced, every shattered window made new, was a slow and tedious process. It'd given her time to think, and reflect.

She and Shizuru moved into the house, that was, still effectively on its last leg together. Over time, Shizuru would watch Natsuki work on her creation, it wasn't without failure, setbacks, and mistakes. There were floods, cursing, the occasional [broken pipe](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8580200/2/Vacant-Infatuations), and through all of it, Natsuki had persisted to declare this house was theirs. That it was their job to make something of it. The plurality of the statement, is what made Shizuru realize it was a soft forgiveness, and a very new beginning. It wasn't what either of them had been planning, but Natsuki seemed okay with it.

It was only recently however, that Natsuki had come home with a bundle of black fur in her arms. It hadn't been old enough to leave it's mother, of that, Shizuru had been sure. If the size of the puppy hadn't been a dead giveaway, the bag of supplies surely had. Bottles, formula...everything she'd need. It was annoying at first, the tiny yipping animal. Shizuru was never completely fond of dogs, especially ones so helpless. Natsuki never said where she'd brought it from, but Shizuru knew very well it hadn't been the pound. Neither a store, nor a breeder would ever sell one so little. The conclusion was obvious, the dog had been found, and Natsuki at the time, only really paid attention to places of oblivion...

Shizuru's past targets, her wake after District One and their destruction. The past of her mother. Anything and everything having to do with the hell that had gone on, the endless fury the the HiME. A stray dog likely gave birth in one of the empty buildings, and Natsuki visited at just the right time...it was only a theory, and nothing more. However it was what Shizuru assumed had happened.

A new day meant without a doubt a busy morning, one that wouldn't wait for anyone. Natsuki's day had started the same ever since she had gotten herself the puppy...well, rather, she paid Yamada to keep his mouth shut. It was something she'd always wanted, but had been unable to have before. Finding the little scamp alone in a dirty blanket sent shivers down her spine. The mother wasn't anywhere to be found. The little creature could have been evidence, Yamada had reminded her. That the puppy could have been birthed from one of the testing animals that had escaped. She had ignored his statements, picked up the small bundle and told him to shut up, all the while holding fresh, crisp bills under his nose.

In her eyes this could be the started of a perfect family, the best ideal.

Her way of life slowly started to change with the little dog around. A sense of responsibility had overcome Natsuki, and it was one that brought her happiness, just like her home did. Shizuru never could figure it out, why Natsuki did the things she'd done...still, the changes did happen, Natsuki herself, a softer individual because of them.

Lazily, before the crack of dawn, she'd carry the sleeping puppy through the house, and outside, where she left it on it's chain for a few minuets, housebreaking a seemingly fruitless endeavor. Then, she'd go and clean the puddles of piddle that were always left in the middle of the hallway, least she or Shizuru slip and fall in it, something that was more common than she'd admit. With her eyes barely open by this time, she's start a pot of tea, even though she wasn't a fan of the substance. Then she'd open the can of puppy chow, and mix it with kibble before setting it down by the water bowl.

When she would retrieve the puppy, roughly fifteen or so minuets after her tasks, she was gifted a few brief moments of calm. The simmering of water, a welcomed noise that had become a lullaby as of late. When she was finally happy with the temperature of the water, she'd turn of the stove, pick up her pet, and go back to bed. The dog inadvertently ended up laying in bed with them, a fact Shizuru wasn't altogether happy with. It was an occurrence that happened every morning, and every night. Shizuru would wake up soon after that, and normally consumed herself with both her college work, and the accounts her father would send her. Balancing the company checkbook one of many tasks Shizuru did on the side for money.

It wouldn't be until late in the morning when Natsuki would stumble out of bed a second time, her mind actually able to think for more than a few moments at a time. They'd share breakfast before going about their day. Natsuki was normally busy sprucing up the house, the repairs not nearly as complete as she'd like, but today, she had other plans that demanded her attention.

...

"And then, it was over. The carnival ended... just like that." The young woman explained as she sipped her mug. A warm, rich coffee something she'd come to love in the past few years. "And, for the most part, all seemed just fine. We didn't have to worry anymore." She wasn't normally so open about her past, but in this case, she'd make the acceptation. It wasn't that she liked to be open, but if she wanted help, she had to be. "We played around, pretending we forgot. Everyone was just so relieve, you know?"

"You still kept close contact with Shizuru." Yohko reminded Natsuki, pen and paper in hand as she continued to look over extenuating files. "Even after everything. I admit, that is quite the feat. She does blame herself for a lot of the grief though."

"Well, yeah." Natsuki told her defiantly, as if the remark had been an insult. "Shizuru and I had been rocky since before the carnival even began. It wasn't like I wanted to put the past behind me, but, for Shizuru, I knew we kinda didn't have a choice." The fact was everyone still had baggage, and it ran deep. Natsuki own search for answers had only begun, now the the battle was over. Although now, it was little more than blind paper trails. "I'm still interested in the work my mother did, I mean, it's really the only connection I have with the woman anymore, I'm not ready to give it up just yet." Her searching was no longer as dangerous. "I think it hurts her a little bit, like I'm not ready to move on or something."

"If you were completely ready, you'd both be in different places." The woman knew more than either would admit. She had been the school nurse at one time. It was still a joy she dabbled in, but her true love of sciences didn't end there. "More than that, you and Shizuru aren't completely off the hook yet. She still has so much to work through herself."

"Damn you're good at this." Natsuki sighed, she hated being here, on the opposite end of the stick. She hated the memories that went rolling around in her head, but she didn't want to throw them away either. "As much as it was all hell, without a doubt, it was also kinda nice. If it hadn't been for what happened, I may have never noticed Shizuru felt that way."

"Natsuki, if I may, there are many secrets that all of you keep. I believe in what Midori said." This woman wasn't part of the inside force. She wasn't a HiME, but she may as well have been. She folded her hands in her lap and smiled pleasantly. "You all simply have a more complicated life than most. I told her I'd be happy to help any and all of you. I'm just shocked you've come now. That's all."

"I don't want to be here." Natsuki told her, truth darkly laced in between each word. "Slowly, we'd put our lives back together. The coming months after were some of the hardest I'd ever known. It was as if Shizuru and I had given up all the things we'd hated about ourselves in hopes to move on." That was the trial for all the girls, Midori included. They all coped in different ways, but the fact was, reality set in faster than any of them had wanted. "It was stupid really, thinking that we could. Believing that this was some sort of bad dream. Shizuru may have dented our enemies, but a reputation wasn't the only thing that she had left behind."

"I doubt you could count the ways it will affect her." Within the carnage of Shizuru's outburst, and the deeply seeded emotional torrent, she'd also left her mark in the worst way ever. Memories. Things that would never go away. Yohko sighed, the magnitude of what Shizuru had done was likely something that wouldn't be easily forgotten. Being a young adult was quite a difficult thing, yet being a HiME was even harder. "Then again, I suppose I was quite the same way when I was young. I just never had powers."

"You aren't all that old." Natsuki laughed. "I'm not exactly as young as you claim either."

The older woman brushed Natsuki off as she refilled both of their mugs. "Anyway, you've come here seeking something, and from what I can tell, that particular thing isn't just advice." Natsuki nodded and stood, retrieving something from her pocket, handing it over. It was a list. "Calcium carbonate?" She mumbled reading the first thing on the list, her eyes scanning the page. "Interesting compilation, what is all of this for?" The list of ingredients didn't end there. "Deoxyribonucleic acid?" The final ingredient something of a mystery.

"DNA for short." Natsuki answered offhandedly.

"I know what it is." Yohko sighed placing the rather long and scribbled list on her desk.

"It was left at the scene..." Natsuki answered. "That list is the basic components used into fashioning a HiME. It's possible to give normal people powers much like our own. I don't understand it all, and I'd like you to tell me what you think about it."

"Of what, this piece of paper?" Yohko regarded Natsuki then. Knowing the girl had always been a rather brash. Suspicious of everyone, her eyes of emerald would scowl at even the closest of friends. "There isn't much I can tell you. It seems odd, yes, but-"

"I want to see if you can actually do it." Natsuki interrupted. "I want proof it can be done."

"Why do you say that?" Yohko asked, regarding the paper again before sighing in disbelief. "Why dig into it?"

"I might have been born that way." Natsuki sighed, a bit of resentment towards her mother laced in her emerald eyes. "Alyssa was a fake, but then, what does that make me?"

"A young woman who's beyond cynical for her own good." Yohko said, though she was interested about Natsuki's statement. "I could look into it, hell, perhaps I should, but what would you get out of it?"

"Some form of reconciliation, if I was lucky." Natsuki laughed, but there was sadness there. "Either that, or another shit storm, I'm not quite sure actually. Shizuru's okay with it though, if I look. She kinda wants to know as well. Mai's been wondering, and it just, it makes sense to find out for sure."

"You know, I can look into this stuff all I want, but, it's just a hobby at best." It was meant to be a gentle reminder, but Natsuki didn't take the bait.

"They had mine in the first place, and Alyssa's goes without saying." Natsuki shook her head, not wanting to think about that. "Simply put, HiME can be built cheaply and with goals in mind." Natsuki told her bluntly. "We don't require a carnival to exist. Although, I kinda wish that would have been the case. Between all of my recherche over the years, and Shizuru's little breakdown, I've acquired enough information." A thick envelope was pulled out of her backpack when she had first walked in, that same one sat on the professor's desk, the paperwork telling more than most. Yohko hadn't wanted to open it, but Natsuki craved answers. "It never adds up!"

"Did you go check all of the facilities?" Yohko asked, here eyes glanced at the envelope. She knew that she should probably read whatever it was Natsuki had brought over. As much as she wanted to do it, she thought it best to do it when she was alone. "District one may have been a powerful company." A better question was one neither wanted to talk about. "However, was it really the end all?"

"We don't know." Natsuki shrugged. "That's why we want you to look into this stuff. Shizuru and I both went and checked out a few of the old buildings. It looked weird." There wasn't a word for it. Yeah, they'd cleaned house pretty well, covered their tracks. Natsuki had been impressed at how hard it was to find any actual clues. "The thing is, ruble isn't something unheard of. Hell, we HiME all made a mess of things when we fought. I hadn't expected Shizuru's wrath to be any different." Natsuki sighed then, and scratched her head, pulling her hair out of her face. "The thing is, the mess looked planned, as if someone shoved shit where it hadn't been before."

"I thought Shizuru did a good job eradicating those who harmed you." That had been an outsider assumption.

We thought so too." Natsuki agreed. "We'd gathered the findings, and destroyed the prototypes that littered the area. We thought it was all said and done." Emptiness was a void that left not even a trace of warmth in a soul. It was that same void Shizuru felt each time she stepped foot into her past. Natsuki felt it every time she rode her motorcycle. "We can feel it though, that something else is out there." The HiME became that way after falling victim to reality. The fear that they could lose someone, something, so terribly precious. What was worse? The fact that First District, among many other companies had wanted to breed such creatures in mass quantities. "Shizuru is afraid for the next person who'll be forced to pair with Kiyohime. When the next carnival begins, what if there are more than just twelve HiME, what if there are hundreds, or thousands, all because people know how to do it? Shizuru and I, we don't want that to happen."

"It is rather sad, when you think about it that way..." Yohko had to admit, that world was still new to her. Midori told her stories, but those weren't anything she could relate with. "It would be a loathsome experience I would assume."

"I still don't know what I am, or rather, who I am." Natsuki told her. "I don't really want to know much more about that either. I can't ever get rid of my personal hell though. That truth is what makes me suffer today. Shizuru and I, we want to stop others from doing the same thing." There was more though, a better reason. "I want to be able to say goodbye to my mother with the comfort that I've found the right answers. I want to know, regardless of what they are."

"Alright Natsuki, I'll begin recherche." The older woman spoke with conviction that was both calm and yet very stern. "I can't promise I'll come up with anything though."

"That's fine." Natsuki told her. It was both a temporary farewell, and an agreement. With that she walked out of the office where her car sat parked in the corner of the lot. As she got in and pulled away she pulled out her cell phone, tapping a speed dial. The phone rang three times before someone picked up on the other line. "I have a friend of mine working with me on the case. Now, where does this address lead." Natsuki asked her contact, her eyes on the road.

"Just come here and see for yourself." He told her, his gruff voice soft. The static masking him.

"Alright." Natsuki sighed. "I'll be there by nightfall." It was as if she was driving into the unknown again, her fingers gripping the wheel as if it were an enemy she should be strangling. She knew if she continued this drive, she would be welcoming something both new, and unusual into her life. The idea something only invited by mad men. "Although normally I bring Shizuru with me."

"I found one of them." He told her, the meaning crystal to only Natsuki. "It goes deeper than we thought."

"It always does." Natsuki growled, taking a sharp turn. "I'll be there as soon as I can, be sure you aren't followed."

"The same goes for you." Those were his last words before he hung up.

The click of the phone gave her an uneasy feeling, but her eyes stayed on the road. She knew what was found, she understood the role she would play, and idly, she felt sickened by it. "I wonder if this is what mother felt like, the day we fell from the cliff?" That too, was a mystery that would never be solved. Natsuki's life nothing but an ocean of secrets and half truths she'd never find out about.

...

The drive would be long, but Natsuki knew that Shizuru's worry would make it seem even longer. Headsets were her best friend during these long drives. Natsuki would have rather been on her motor cycle, the wind beating at her biking leathers. It would have helped her think clearly, would have made life so much more tranquil in the most simple of ways. She couldn't feel anything in the car, no emotion, no rush of speed. She felt locked in, a safe little box, away from danger, away from turmoil. That really wasn't the case though, Natsuki knew drivers had other dangers to face, and the irony wasn't lost on her. She knew how much people could lose in a blink of an eye.

The radio was on, but no music spoke volumes. The windows teased her and distracted her, and she felt as if she should have been a dog, her face out of the window panting for air. She sighed as she turned off the noise, and rolled up the glass. There was only one person she wanted to talk with, only one person who really understood her cadged feelings. The phone was answered during the first ring. "Hey babe." Natsuki smiled, though she knew Shizuru couldn't see her. "How's things at home?"

"Lonely." Shizuru told her slowly. "I miss you, and I wish you would have waited for me." The suspense was killing her, but so was her worry. It was a small one, but she didn't like when Natsuki did things like this on her own, when she retraced her past, and left Shizuru alone to fret. "What could be so important that you felt the need to drive over six hours out of the city limits?"

Natsuki knew Shizuru was likely gripping the phone hard enough to drain the blood from her hand. "Yamada found a smaller building that was used for recherche. He said there was nothing there, but, that if I wanted to check it out, now would be the time." Natsuki grabbed her now warm soda as it juggled around in the cup holder, and she took a swig. "Besides, someone has to hold down the fort."

There was a long suffering sigh and silence for a few minuets. No one said anything. Shizuru was at a loss for words, as she'd found herself becoming more and more quiet about Natsuki's casual search. "I could have put work aside you know." It had been put nearly on the back burner completely. "Staying by your side at times like this, is what is most important." Shizuru was almost happy about that, Natsuki was beginning to let go. Still, it didn't ease her nightmares. She wanted to be by her side, and protect her at all times. "I know how much this means to you."

"It does mean a lot." Natsuki said as she kept driving. "I wish you were here too, but you have a huge budget to fix. Your dad really screwed it up you know."

"I'm well aware." Shizuru didn't want to think of the debacle she'd have to fix later. "Mother was always better with money than my father. He tends to spend it carelessly on occasion." He was wealthy, very much so. The fact that he used his money as effective confetti wasn't something Shizuru worried about, but it did make the bank statements rather messy. "Nao called earlier." Shizuru told her, the quiet melody nearly melancholic, she didn't like being home by herself. "She's keeping Mikoto out late again, past her curfew. Said she'd be dropping Mikoto off here later on. Why do you allow that?"

"Why did you let me cut class?" Natsuki chuckled knowingly. "If you go by school record, you could say the same about me." Natsuki retorted. "She's gotten better, and besides, you don't know the ins and outs of their lives, and I don't have the time to try. Just let them be, Shizuru. Besides, I was beginning to worry about those two."

"I know you do." The puppy was whimpering in the background, the humming of the can opener the sign of just how late it was. "I just don't see why. Nao is quite capable of taking care of herself."

"But Reito can't do shit when it comes to Mikoto." Natsuki growled out, as she turned the corner onto a busy street. "Yeah, screw you too buddy." She ranted when a car horn beeped at her, not that she really cared. "Anyway, I promised Mai I would keep an eye out. Mother hen isn't here anymore, and her little chicks can't handle it."

"And what about you Natsuki." The whisper was heated, and Natsuki knew she was treading on a sore line. "Do you miss her?"

"Do you want me to lie?" Natsuki knew that answer as she turned into a dark alleyway, eying the road ahead of her, the path dimly lit. "You know I care about Mai, she and I were all we had for while there. She'd lost everything, I didn't have anything, it seemed right." Yet, it was strictly platonic. Shizuru knew that in her head, but her heart always seemed at war. Mai was a genuinely likeable person, more or less.

Even the flaws she had, her uncertainties were all truthful.

Shizuru didn't become that open with just anyone, and the people she had spoken openly with she could count on one hand. "Shizuru..." Natsuki sighed and shook her head. "I'll be home tonight and we can talk about this all you want. There aren't any lights here, so I need to concentrate. I'll call you later." Their farewell was wordless. The mutual hanging up a sign of work ahead. it was a routine of sorts. Neither of them could ever bear to say goodbye, so, instead, they said nothing at all.

She could hardly see in front of her as she took side streets. It took her to a clearing, one with a gravel laden pathway. Most of the recherche facilities were like this, and she knew it was common to travel off the main road. She bit her lip the further into the greenery she got. Her arrival didn't bring her where she'd thought she'd be. She expected four walls, perhaps a broken roof. Instead, what greeted her startled her. Yamada was sitting near a rock formation, and above the hill a small household peered over the mountainside. It was beautiful, the windows gifting a view fit for a painting. "You're late." His gruff voice rumbled from the shadows. "Anyway, that's it...up there."

"That's one of the facilities?" Natsuki asked, a bit bug eyed. "It doesn't look like anything I've seen in the past." Metal lab tables, beautiful corporate offices, even primitive shacks in the middle of nowhere. Natsuki had crossed many places than had ties to District One. This was just a normal, albeit expensive family home. At least, that's how it looked. "What is this one for, then?"

"Training." Yamada's words slipped between his lips as he lit his cigarette, inhaling deeply. "A HiME may be a woman trained to fight, but they all start off the same. They're babies born into this world knowing nothing." The clouds of truth billowing from his mouth seemed unreal to Natsuki, and he smirked then. "You had someone raise you too, you know. Do you honestly think you would have been able to wield that power without something to believe in? A cause, or someone to fight for?"

"No." She wouldn't be able, it would be impossible. "Any HiME requires an emotional attachment." She thought then, as she looked up at the small little home. She'd lived with her mother, who had been one of the scientists. Though she searched her mind, she could never imagine her home being a place for test subject. It was a normal house, with what Natsuki considered at the time, a normal family. "Are the families raising these HiME in the same manner that Alyssa had been?"

Yamada nodded, his eyes seeming something in the distance, like a far off memory. "I can't say I understand the motives, but it would seem that cultivating any HiME, powers or no powers, would take exceptionally long amounts of time. If you require a bond to bring forth strength, it would only make sense to love and raise your own HiME. You have to give something back, they aren't mindless slaves."

When he put it that way, Natsuki nodded. "The HiME have to want them to be important, have to believe in them, and follow them." Still something didn't add up, and that's the part that troubled her. "The carnival happens every three hundred years. So, if it does come back, they'd have to wait that long at the very least."

He shook his head, annoyed as he flicked his cigarette. "They're a medical company as far as the press is concerned. Think of it from their angle." He was paid good money for his work, and he intended to continue receiving such large amounts of cash. Natsuki was one of his biggest paying clients. "They can keep producing women, even if they are HiME or not, it would prove useful to them. They could raise those girls to work for them. Yeah, ten or twenty years isn't enough to build an empire, but what about three hundred? By that time, they'd be as strong as they were before, if not stronger. Sooner or later, even if you didn't produce a fake HiME, there would also be a pretty good chance that you'd find a real HiME in all of that mess, just like you."

She was only barely listening to him. Instead she watched a few small children trying to catch fireflies. She assumed the woman knitting on the patio was their mother. It was a painful thing to see, but it made what Yamada said all the more true. "If mom would have wanted it, I would have worked with her." It seemed so natural to do that, something stirring deeply told her that she would have. It wouldn't have been an option to decline. "But was I really just a tool?"

"I told you, I don't know the motive." Still, he doubted that was the only reason. "That woman up there isn't married to any man I've come across, and those children are hers. Her partner is also a woman." There was money to be made in that type of science. "Lets just pretend they could figure out how to do it. The power that would give a person would be unimaginable. Especially if they don't make it known to the public. If you think of it like that, Alyssa was merely a prototype for something far larger, more grand than ever before perceived." It may have been merely a theory, but even that explained Natsuki's existence.

"I have a father." Natsuki's said quietly, recalling her old man. "At least, I think he's my father."

"Yet, you still had powers." Yamada shrugged. "All I'm saying, is that if they could produce a child such as that, no matter how it was conceived, it would be quite the expensive, yet highly prized discovery."

Natsuki numbly nodded, though she was still trying to wrap her head around the idea. "Keep looking into it." She said softly, handing over a small, but thick envelope, giving Yamada his usual earnings. "Half for now, half after you find me more information on places like these." He nodded and she regarded the home above her one more time. "Still look into the labs too, if there's tests involved, I want to know about it." She knew he would, it would earn him a pretty penny, and he was a greedy man underneath everything else.

Her drive home made her memories drift away, into a time long gone. One she would never get back. The haunting night that her mother died had waned out over the years. Though, the nightmare remained fresh and new, as if it would never go away. The memory had begin to fade recently. Small inconsequential segments of the day were leaving Natsuki. Good or bad, she didn't really know, but it pulled at her a little bit. Such an important day shouldn't be lost to the depths of her mind. She could remember the horrifying details in perfect clarity, but the things she ate for breakfast and lunch, the time she'd spent playing with her dog, and even skipping along through the building to fetch her mother from a long day of work...those things weren't as clear anymore. They seemed so far away, and on the long drive home, she realized how precious time actually was.

The reminder was frightening. When Natsuki had disappeared into little sparkles of green, the mere idea of death should have made her fearful, but it didn't. No, what made her more scared was the idea of being alone. Her death was quick, and it didn't hurt, not like she thought it might. She granted that part of it as her powers, the magics of the HiME cradling her and carrying her away. The idea of being left alone, that matter was different. If she had lost Mai, or Shizuru, she doubt she'd look on the events the same way. In the end, Natsuki lucked out...she got to die, holding the one person who was most important in her life.

She was given another chance to do right by her feelings...

Ultimately, Natsuki hadn't suffered like the others had. It was her past that had haunted her the most. Her search had given her a few truths as of recently. Very tiny morsels that she'd hold closely, however, it wasn't anything to do with her mother. Rather, it was to do with herself. Her thoughts, her worries, they seemed to no longer bog her down when she thought about losing Shizuru. Nothing else mattered when she thought about that fact, of having to live without that soft voice of reason. If that made Natsuki reckless, she didn't mind. If that made her a lesser person, she'd accept such a weakness. It was the simplicity that she found astounding.

…

Jealousy, a wicked mistress indeed, clung like droplets after a harsh storm. Shizuru knew she likely shouldn't find herself so conflicted in her heart. She too found a nearness to Mai, she also hated the girl, at least a little. The events of the battle, the bouts of insanity were enough guilt to keep her chained for several years. However, to know she had pushed Natsuki away, to understand that Mai had become the solace Natsuki ran behind was a harsh reminder. To love someone as precious as Natsuki, you had to do so with an open palm, Natsuki's whims like that of a gentle bird.

Shizuru had the feeling she had the personality of a pit viper. She was ruthless, crass, in the way she'd handled things, and Natsuki had found someone else to hide behind. Even if Mai was simply a friend, Shizuru had to constantly remind herself that many best friends turned into lovers. Natsuki wasn't the type of person to go looking for that. In fact, Shizuru doubted it even crossed Natsuki's mind to even do such a thing. The fact remained that it could have happened. It was easy to trace her steps, they had been careful, and ever calculating. Shizuru knew she was manipulative, and in fact, sometimes her teasing was for directly that. To understand those things, to realize what she'd done, it was hard to get over. Shizuru doubted in a way, that she'd ever could.

It all stemmed back to the night she had tried to make advances. Her mind had been warped, lost to the tragic situation, that upon reflection wasn't exactly so. There were times that her memories, like poison, would seep into her, and she'd cry over it. Shizuru was not by any means, a woman who enjoyed doing such a thing, but the pain was quite bad. The only person she allowed to see such a sight, was Natsuki. The tears, perhaps were a way to cleanse her soul, for at least, a short while.

Shizuru hoped that one day, doubt would stop riddling her now stable life with holes and voids. With each day, she felt blessed, yet, she still wanted Natsuki.

It was so late, that by the time the woman of midnight tresses walked through the door, the grayness before dawn had begun to cloak the sky. Mikoto was already asleep on the sofa, smelling thickly of a bar. Shizuru had waited all night for Natsuki's return, and the wryness was beginning to settle in. She could feel it in her bones. All she wanted now, was sleep. To be able to let the relief was over her, in Natsuki's warmth. Her gentle, yet strong embrace that would block out the world around her. She dared not move from the cold bed, as she heard the soft footsteps nearing their shared room.

It wasn't long before Natsuki stripped herself of her leathers and into something more comfortable. It was barely a few moments after that, when Natsuki picked up the small energetic ball of fur, and placed it on the end of the bed, then she climbed in herself. "I love you, Shizuru." Natsuki murmured, knowing Shizuru was merely pretending to be asleep. "Crying doesn't suit you." The mask had been lost log ago, the truth more real that it had appeared. As Natsuki held her, lacing their fingers together, letting their breaths mingle, it just seemed right, perfectly so.

It was joy at it's finest, the real truth of Natsuki's heart. Shizuru knew this feeling, was also one that would never go away. She also never wanted it too.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter** **2**

The laughter of children wouldn't leave her mind. They echoed into the morning, and for once, her routine found itself shattered. She couldn't fall back to sleep, and she didn't want to forget the sounds of happiness. She sighed as she looked over at Mikoto, curled up and sleeping on the [sofa](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8580200/3/Vacant-Infatuations) inside of the house. The air outside was chilly, no sun to disturb her, and even her puppy dared not make noise as it slept soundly slept in her lap. She'd been rocking in the chair. Back and forth, for several long moments now. She didn't hear anything, and the quiet scared her. Her gentle breath was her serenade as she waited for answers that wouldn't come.

Her cheeks were colder than she'd admit, the air nearly freezing her tears that dripped from her eyes. Yet, as she sat there, watching the world mindlessly, desperately searching for answers in the depth of her mind, she knew she would only ever come up short. No matter what Yamada found, or Yohko discovered, the truth had been gifted to her. She was born and raised as a little girl, her soul was that of a HiME. Her mother loved her, probably...and had it not been for her untimely death, Natsuki would have ended up being one of two things. A lab rat, or a successful woman, following in her mother's footsteps. Either way, it didn't matter. She would have been walking to the tune of someone else, the choices of life never her own. Not even her own heartbeat would have been hers.

It wouldn't have been any way to live.

Just as being a HiME could not consume them into darkness, neither could her mother, and the driving influences that would have left her surrounded. Natsuki sighed at that, and then she smiled as she put the puppy back inside the house. She stood and walked all the way down the street, where an open line to the sewers sat left open, construction work still incomplete. "For years, I let you consume me. For a short time, I let you become a monster in my mind. Even now, I wonder about you, what I would become, if would have been different." She shook her head as she snapped one of her [cell phones](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8580200/3/Vacant-Infatuations) in half, throwing it into the abyss below. "It doesn't matter in the end, now does it? Because no matter what I do, I'm doomed to be your shadow."

Natsuki was independent of all of that now.

The means justified the end, instead of the other way around. She'd known her struggle would be difficult, unearthing something so near and dear in her heart. Her life hadn't ever been easy. Yet, as the morning continued to drag on, the empty world around her seemed to disappear in the memory of what she'd seen. District One, may have been founded by bad people. However, the sight before her that night, the understanding that the woman had been a scientist, it made her accept what she'd long been hoping for.

Natsuki did have a family, and a mother, who probably loved her.

But, being a normal little girl wouldn't have ever suited a person like herself. She knew that. All of the HiME paid a price, had lost something important, something real. That's why, when they fought, they fought to protect. They fought so that they would not lose something else. For some, it was real, tangible by the sight, heard of by the ears. Other things lost were not things seen, but only felt.

Natsuki had struggled with things lost, and then things found. With dealing with her feelings, to protect, to hate, and to love again. Shizuru, though redeemed from her murky torment that turned her into madness, had never completely healed. Natsuki knew that. She could feel the pang in her chest every time Shizuru had doubts, they came across the wind in crystal clear whispers, or agonizing shouts when they fought. They fought often enough. They didn't have the ending of a storybook, as Natsuki would have liked, but then, then again, the teachings of Midori weren't lost on her either.

" _Did you ever read the real stories?"_ Midori had asked her once, late into the night, and after she was drunk. _"Those stories are all dark. In fact, the real truth they hold carries themes of murder and rape...and other things too, things we don't want to talk about. Half of the stories we tell kids nowadays are watered down versions of the truth."_ Natsuki sighed when she'd remember that. If that was the case, if Midori was right, then maybe, just maybe, they were already stuck in one. She could remember Alyssa singing that saddened songs, the one about twelve children. It sounded so light, so happy, but the edge of darkness it held could be unmistakeable for one who listened.

And Natsuki had heard. She had listened. At the end of the battle, singing the song in her own mind, she cried. The truth unmasked in that one little song. It had been about them, after all.

Natsuki sighed as she went back to her chair and sat there until the sun had begin to rise. She'd barely realized when the back door squeaked open. Shizuru stepped out, covered in her thick, fuzzy housecoat, shivering a little, the cool morning something she wasn't always fond of. It was a sight to see, she assumed, as she stood there, watching as Natsuki peeked at the first glimmers of morning light. Erie in a way as well, odd and haunting as she just sat there, blankly. "Natsuki, are you quite alright?" Shizuru had asked after a few moments.

Natsuki frowned as she thought about that. "It was worthless in the first place." She told Shizuru cryptically. "Thinking that if I just dug deep enough, I could find something that would take everything way. That if I found something, it would give me a reason for feeling like I did back then. That everyone I ignored, every ounce of anger I had, that it might have been justified." It hadn't been, and she knew that. It was fruitless to think she could just go on, walking along the same path as before. "It's not Shizuru, my memories weren't a lie...and District One may not have been as evil as I thought." District One seemed like any other corporation, with both bad and good to stem from it. She remembered the laughter, the joy the children had in waves.

Natsuki had been that way too.

Her anger had caused more destruction. Her pain had caused Shizuru to go mad, to kill. Natsuki blamed herself for all of it, and now, she had even more reason to do so. She couldn't let that happen anymore. She could let an old monster resurface, her own hate to consume that which caused others pain. Natsuki had to protect her own heart this time. She had to do that, so that no matter what happened, she wouldn't ever hurt Shizuru again. "I'm putting down the search for good, Shizuru. There's no reason to continue looking." She said with shaken breath, forcing her emotions to stay strong and stable.

"I don't understand." Shizuru's brows furrowed in confusion, and she stood there eying Natsuki. Her lips tightening into a thin line as she knelt down beside the woman who seemed so lost in the early morning rays of light. "Why?" She asked with barely a sound slipping from her lips, even if Natsuki had heard it. The younger woman just shook her head. Not making a sound as she looked at Shizuru, her hand falling upon the one holding her knee. "Can you really let it all go so easily?"

"No." Natsuki whispered, her eyes glimmering with the sadness she felt. "But I can't keep doing it either." Her hand, trembling just a little from the the cold air, caressed Shizuru's warm cheek. "Do you know why I bought this house?" She asked, grim though the air seemed, hope sparkled in Natsuki's eyes. Gentle, just like her soft breath, hesitant and waiting. Shizuru leaned into the cold palm on her cheek, unaware of the fear that also lay under the surface, Natsuki hid that part rather well.

"I'd like to think you have your reasons." Shizuru told her, as she licked her lips, worrying her bottom one between her teeth. "I also believe that they are for you alone, Natsuki. That your reasons are not mine to hold, just as my reasons shall never be yours." There was always that wall between them, and it broke Natsuki's heart just a little bit every time she faced it. She'd tried desperately to break it down in the past, but nothing had worked.

In the throes of passion, right before they gave in, to dare question the ultimate of sins, that's where they'd stop, where one of them, or both of them would shut down. Where they would push each other away. It was a fine dance, Natsuki assumed, but she knew she was the one in charge. It was her actions the dictated the pace.

It was like the tango. Filled with emotions both torturous and tantalizing. Hot and cold, hard and soft, black and white. So much so in fact, the lines muddled into nothing, and they'd find themselves at a loss, no forward motions, barely any steps back. They'd just get stuck, wondering what the other was thinking, trying to be considerate, do their best to be calm and not hurt the other. "Shizuru, what do you want most of all right now?" Natsuki asked as she looked deeply into crimson orbs that burned like fire. "What do you want, more than anything?"

Shizuru smiled, one of her sad little smiles. The irony of the situation took over. "I have you Natsuki. There isn't anything else I want."

"No Shizuru." Natsuki whispered heatedly, shaking her head. "What do you want?" She forced her heated breath out as a deep blush tinged her cheeks. Shizuru always said something like that. Always acted as if she was fine. Still, there were nights that you could hear the temptation in her voice. Her longing, the lonely pit in her gut something she couldn't ask for. Natsuki knew Shizuru never would. They could be safe forever, if Natsuki had wanted such a thing. Yet, Natsuki knew it couldn't stay that way.

The morning crushed her reality. Took away her hopes and dreams under her feet. Yamada would find out the answers for her, surely. Natsuki had asked that much of him, but she knew she couldn't search actively anymore. She knew she couldn't be the one to visit those places, to hold each and every burden of her past. She had to let it go, and to do that, she had to unlock Shizuru from her own despised shackles. They were happy...but with what...second best?

Shizuru didn't deserve that, neither of them did.

Natsuki felt her heart clench in her chest, the real alarm of what she was about to do creeping in. It took over her being, but it didn't overcome her spirit. The hand that was on her knee was still. Shizuru kneeling motionless watching as the girl struggled. Unable to understand what had brought them so close, what had sparked the rosy coloring across Natsuki's normally pale face. "S-Shizuru." She shuddered as her lips, chapped and cracked from the cold air pressed softly upon those that were welcoming and warm. It was the unease that made Natsuki back away from Shizuru again, her emerald eyes swirling in confusion. "I don't..." Natsuki didn't know what to say, or even better, how to say it. "I know you're lying." Natsuki told her finally, her voice cracking. "Stop lying."

Shizuru could say nothing as she watched Natsuki's eyes water. The girl falling apart in her arms, clinging onto her, as if she was the last shred of hope in this world. She hadn't ever seen anything like it. Natsuki was the strong one, explosive sometimes, always reckless, but never the first to crack. Never the first to break under pressure, not like this. Crimson eyes closed as she held Natsuki through her tears, trying to calm the raging beast in her heart. She felt that all too familiar predator in herself. The one who wanted to harm anyone who got close, wanted to kill whoever made Natsuki so sad. She couldn't bear it, the woman shaking as hot tears spilled onto her neck. "Don't lie anymore." Natsuki said as she pulled herself away from Shizuru, her hoarse voice fighting through her tears, doing her best to steady herself before she walked into the kitchen, escaping for some much needed space.

"Lying." Shizuru tested the word carefully. Almost tasting the venom in the syllables. It fell from her lips like a rock. She shook her head, confused, feeling more tired than she wanted to admit. She could hear Natsuki scrambling to make breakfast, doing her best to calm her nerves, even if she cussed every few minuets. Shizuru could hear the woman, still upset, damning herself, the food, the table, and everything else around her. Shizuru sighed at that, though all she could do was listen. "Lying..." She tasted the word again, perhaps she was. "For her own good." Shizuru reminded herself, but now, even that seemed like poison too.

…

Natsuki had made breakfast only for Mikoto's sake. She left the seaming plate of eggs and toast there for the girl, shaking her awake before hiding in the garage. Mikoto seemed herself. A little less cheerful, not nearly so innocent, the signs of the truth. Shizuru realized when she quietly observed the girl, tea in hand as she sipped it with measured poise. Shizuru dared not let her troubles slip into her eyes, her stance, or her voice as she read the morning paper blankly, listening to the young teen. "It was okay I guess. Nao really likes to go to parties, Mai loved them too." Everything had to do with Mai. The carrot topped woman was the center of Mikoto's world, and she was gone now, a figment of her past, coming back for visits, seemingly merely as a teasing reminder. "Do you like parties?"

Shizuru knew that pain well, and she smiled at how wise she had become because of it, even if her smile exuded self loathing. "No, I can't say that I do." The girl was far beyond innocent for her own good, even if she had glimpsed hell in the face. "I enjoy quiet evenings at home. I enjoy the solitude."

"But without Natsuki and Mai, it isn't loud enough." Mikoto said knowingly, looking at the door that kept the space between them. "She only hides when she's sad. Why is she that way?"

"You're wise, though you don't always seem like it." Shizuru said as she let her fingers run softly through the messy black tufts of hair. "Natsuki is indeed troubled by something, but she works things out on her own." Shizuru then returned to her paper, her eyes unable to glance at the door like Mikoto did. The girl would merely watch it, waiting for the person beyond to come back through. Mikoto had barely touched her breakfast, her worry for Natsuki her only thought in the world it seemed. "Go ahead and eat." Shizuru urged her along. "Natsuki will be back soon."

"Sometimes, she doesn't come back for a really long time." Mikoto sighed, as she pulled her feet up, so she could crouch on the chair. "Sometimes, she goes missing, like Nao does. It used to make Mai cry...it would make Mai cry again, if she didn't come home." It was the simplicity of the worry that tore at Shizuru, her eyes pulling away from her reading as she studied the feral teen. "Mai left, Natsuki can't go too."

If there had ever been a time Shizuru felt sorry for another human being, Mikoto would have been the one. "Poor child." She sighed, putting down the things that normally occupied her time. "Natsuki isn't going anywhere. Her home is right here, and you, and I. She will never abandon us, because she made a promise never to do so." And it had been the truth, Natsuki wouldn't forget those promises that she made. Mikoto looked so weak, and nothing like her older brother. When Shizuru really thought about it, Natsuki was completely right. Mikoto didn't belong with Reito, Natsuki was little more than a poor substitute. Even if the girl didn't see it as that, Shizuru could see plain as day. "Natsuki won't leave you behind."

There wasn't a pang of jealously.  
There wasn't a hatred towards sharing.  
Shizuru couldn't even detect a single bit of pain from her words.

It was an astonishment, in its own small way. Yet, she knew that Mikoto was not a threat. Perhaps that was the reason she found the girl to be welcomed company. "Mai did." The retort seemed so easy, it seemed to answer everything, even if it was soft, and filled with things Mikoto knew nothing about. "Natsuki could too, if she wanted." Mikoto was still simple in that way. Shizuru said nothing in return. They both knew such a thing might very well happen.

No one could guarantee the future, after all.

Natsuki held up in the garage for only a few hours. Shizuru stayed locked in the study all day long. She hadn't any idea what to say. The morning filled with truths both unspoken and devastating. Natsuki's blowout in the early morning left Shizuru puzzled. Mikoto's fears left Shizuru feeling the same. Bewildered by such thoughts, she could do nothing but toil away in the privacy of her own little world. Studying for her tests, and forcing herself to make do with what she had at her disposal. She couldn't bring herself to eat a proper meal all day. She failed to complete any of her assignments, and through it all, the only thing she found herself doing, was hating herself as she clutched at her computer chair deep in thoughts.

Lost by what they meant.

It was when the sun was barely setting that she could no longer lock herself away. She had stayed in hiding long enough it seemed. She was almost happy Mikoto chose to stay in her own dorm tonight. Still, the words of the day mingled in her head, when she saw Natsuki sitting there, her eyes still broken, as if she had suffered through some horrific event. It was not far from the truth, Shizuru assumed. Were Natsuki's eyes always as such? That was also a question Shizuru would not be able to answer. She knew the deep sea they'd waded through in their time as friends, and then, as something more.

Hesitantly she stood in the doorway. "This morning, you made a request that I stop lying." She began slowly, holding her breath for a moment when Natsuki regarded her with those weak emerald orbs. they seemed to glow in pain. "However Natsuki, I have not lied in any plausible way. Merely, I made the truth less dire, less dark, perhaps I made it seem unimportant. I was afraid you'd be unable to fulfill such a request, since what I want, by and large, are things that you aren't comfortable with."

"I told you, I would do anything you wanted of me." Natsuki said her voice seeming like a mighty burden. As if it was becoming difficult merely to speak. "I don't like hearing the things I do. The undertones you make, thinking that I don't hear it. I want to fix it, and make everything just go away. Everything I did." Natsuki shook her head, the grief still there. "You are the person most important in my life, you are the one who made Duran so powerful. Still, even if I know that, even if I know you were the one..." Natsuki shook violently, and she curled up further on the sofa. She'd unearthed quite a lot of pain when she realized all she'd done...all that she had truly ignored. "I don't know how to do things."

There were no words to express the deject sagging of Shizuru shoulders, the feeling of denial, the doubt she often had. Still, she could see truth in Natsuki's eyes. The fear wasn't masked, it was like a deer in headlights. Her quaking so strong, she could not have been lying about her words. As Natsuki found ways to make herself smaller and smaller, Shizuru could do nothing but creep closer, this odd behavior worrying her, and yet, delight tickled the back of her mind in hopes this really was the confession of Natsuki's truest feelings.

Shizuru had felt them, but Natsuki hadn't ever spoken them. At least not so forwardly. When she'd reached Natsuki's shivering body, she realized the raw look in her eyes. "Nor do I." Shizuru whispered as she pulled the woman into her arms "There are times, my Natsuki, that I feel as if I do not know."

Shizuru licked her lips as she pulled away only slightly, looking with care. An admission of her own at the tip of her tongue. "You think because I am older, that I have experience in such matters." The truth was, Shizuru didn't have a clue either, in many regards. "I don't. Sometimes, I feel as if I should. That for as long as I have known you, I should know you perfectly. However, there are times like now, when I myself am lost in you." Her words were like black silk. Gloomy and smooth, her sighs little more than gentle breath as she felt Natsuki ease into calm, if only slightly in their embrace. "I may be more comfortable with the idea, but that Natsuki, is where my experience ends. You always have, and always will be, the only one I seek." As she said that she knew Natsuki fought through her own disbelief.

Shizuru had airs that she put on. A forward mask of jokes, some subtle, others very suggestive. It would be no doubt that many thought her to have already given into temptation, walking down a bed made of roses, perhaps finding thorns on the other side. That was neither true, nor was it false. She had indeed fantasized about it, carrying her own pleasure many nights. Still the act with another, that was something else entirely. Something Shizuru dreamed to see the passionate night of. Still, she had known years ago, it would be far from reach. That she may never get that night, that warmth filled with her deepest desires fulfilled. Shizuru had been alright with that, letting the hopes die down until only a lingering smolder remained among the ashes.

"That's just stupid. Saying something like that..." Natsuki mumbled, and Shizuru smiled. At least that sounded like a bit of her old self, even if worry still etched her features. "It's wrong in so many ways." She shook her head, trying to clear it. "We can't be...like that." She shook her head. "That – I mean..." She buried her face in her hands as another deep blush over took her. "Even if we are...how? How can I?"

"The word is _gay_ , Natsuki." Shizuru said softly. "There is nothing wrong in being such a person." It was at least, the easiest truth of the night to say. "A woman can love another. They can enjoy the touch of another as well. You know that." Natsuki had enjoyed some of what they'd done, once she got over being a stuttering, skittish mess of course. However, that was merely Natsuki's way. Her fumbling a way to distance herself, and be curious at the same time. This was different though, and the deep frown kept Shizuru from making her off colored comments. "Why does the idea frighten you so badly?" That was the odd part. It was most unlike the woman to act as she had done all day. Shizuru had expected shouting...but this? It was beyond her expertise.

"Because I've been doomed from the start." Natsuki sighed, she hated being so weak. She just couldn't bring herself to be strong. "I wanted a family. To live like a normal woman Shizuru." She couldn't be though, and that's what drove her nuts. There was a deciding factor, and it had wreaked havoc in her mind. "I can't stand guys. I can't deal with them, it's like they're all idiots. And then, the times I've seen you...like with no clothes on, it's like the whole damned world is a farce!" She stood up then, pacing around the carpet in a circle, while Shizuru just watched the miniature tirade. "No man could even dare make me feel the way you do. I'd beat their asses before they'd get the chance to try."

It was eating at her, and even if she didn't have an answer for that reason, there was another matter entirely. "Even if I wanted to do it with a dude, I can't stand thinking about it...because it's a fucking dude!" She was nearly pulling at her hair, sweaty and breathless. "And you make my life so god damned confusing." Natsuki gasped for air as she stopped pacing, looking at the woman still on the floor. A smirk trying to tug at the woman's glistening lips. "One minuet, I feel like I'm one fire. The next, I want to take my head and bag it into the brick wall because you confuse the hell out of me!" The smirk only floored her more as Shizuru tried her best to suppress her giggles.

"And if that doesn't add insult to injury, I don't know what does!" She finally roared, pointing at Shizuru's laughter, her face red with both embarrassment and anger. "I don't even know what I want anymore, only that I want it! I don't even know what _it_ even is!"

Shizuru stood up, and slowly approached the upset girl, finally seeing that fire she so cherished. "I love you too, Natsuki." She whispered softly, the tenderness in her eyes not something she could usually say she would gift for just anyone. She rarely showed the compassion, but for Natsuki she would. "If that is how you feel, if you wish to know, then I shall grant you that wish." For Natsuki, she would do anything. As her palm cupped Natsuki's soft cheek she smiled again, a bit of apprehension leaking into her voice. "I must admit though, my heart has yearned for many things. Things that I have never had the chance to experience. I would like to do so, with you."

"Why do you want that so badly?" Natsuki mumbled as she averted her eyes to the floor. Even if she had amused the idea, she knew Shizuru had done it for far longer. The amusement now something so deep, a want so important, Natsuki knew she couldn't keep denying it. The idea unnerved her, having someone touch her in those ways, even if such a person was Shizuru.

The most important person in the world.

"I want us to be a couple." Shizuru told her softly. "I want us to have the same things you desire as well." They were a bit lower on her list of things she wanted out of her life, but not much further down, she realized. Still, her heart wanted only one person, wanted to claim for herself what no man had ever dared try. "Even more than that, I need you. I need to know our love is the same, that you have thirsts only I can quench." Shizuru felt ashamed at that, knowing Natsuki was feeling uncomfortable. "I want to feel you, to taste you, in ways no one else has ever done, Natsuki. I need that, and you know why I do."

Natsuki locked eyes with Shizuru at that. Yes, she did know. She knew all too well. "And then what?" Natsuki felt unsure about many things. "Are you going to keep Mai and Nao away from me as much as you can? I know you don't like them, and I can understand why...but you have to forgive Nao, and Mai...you just have to let Mai go. She and I didn't do anything Shizuru. Nothing at all." Natsuki hung her head as low as she could. Midnight tresses falling in front of her face. "The most she did was cook for me, look out for me, and sometimes barged in while I was taking a bath. That's all she did."

"Yet, you still trust her, more than you trust me." Shizuru knew part of that wasn't true. It was just her own feelings getting in the way. "You call her every chance you get, you miss her so much, you get this far away look, and I know that you think of her. That you worry for her. How could you possibly let her consume you like that?" It didn't stop the pain, it made it worse.

"No one consumes me like that." Natsuki shook her head, a bemused smile on her face. "I'm not you, Shizuru." She wanted to hug the woman in font of her, but she couldn't bring herself to do anything. She could only stare motionlessly into the liquid heat that Shizuru's gaze provided. Natsuki's breath hitched at the longing that once again appeared. "My life is filled with many people, some are good, others only serve to drive me nuts...but I need them, Shizuru. I need them to piss me off, I need them to comfort me when I'm scared or alone, and I need the endless support they give me. They aren't my fans Shizuru. They actually give a damn, and they know you make me happy."

She sighed then, trying to shake off the feeling that she was going to be eaten alive, she knew better. "Without Mai, I don't think I would have had the courage to look at you, back in those days." The look was harmless when directed at her, but the emotion was still deep, a pit Natsuki could not see the end of. "She's the one who encouraged me, even though she knew I wouldn't be coming back." That's what hurt Natsuki the most in all of this, felling sequestered and tied down, because she was an independent person in many ways. "She knew that I wanted you, even then. If it wasn't for the support they gave me, who knows where we would be right now."

Natsuki needed people. She needed love and support from everyone. Even if it meant listening to people cussing her out, Natsuki wanted that. Shizuru knew that was the truth, and still, she couldn't help but speak the fears aloud. "Mikoto thinks you're going to leave. That you'll just abandon us. She was waiting all morning for you to come back, even if you were just hiding in the garage. I can understand the dependency. She needs to know she won't be alone, but even if we tell her that...it just, it doesn't do any good."

"Because she needs Mai." Natsuki finished the thought that Shizuru didn't dare speak. "But, she can't have Mai. She can't be in love with her, because Mai loves Tate. Her feelings won't be returned the way she deserves." Natsuki doubted that Mikoto even understood such complicated feelings anyway. "She needs to stay here, even if I hate that fact." That was the difference. Natsuki's intentions were always pure, if not sluggish. "You don't have that problem, Shizuru. I'm right here, and you share a bed with me every night." Mikoto would never have that with Mai, no matter how much it bugged Natsuki. Their days like that were over, gone before Mikoto even understood the significance.

"I'm scared to do things, yes, because I'm not you. I don't understand the way I feel. I can't begin to take my life, and all of the years of repression I had, and just make them go away. I can't just magically recover, though god knows I've tried." Even as she said that, the love for Shizuru only grew stronger. "I want you by my side, but Mikoto and I are very similar. There are times I'm as innocent as she is, even after all I've done. Times when I want to do something, but if I did it wrong..." Natsuki shook her head. "My love _is_ different Shizuru. It's slower, and it takes time for me to be okay with every new step, for me to understand where that puts us, where I stand after the fact."

"I can't just feel things." Natsuki sighed, hiding her face again. She hated feeling like that. Like she was weak, and didn't have control. "I just can't do that blindly."

"I know." Shizuru said softly, pulling the woman's hands away from her eyes as the both fell to the floor. "That's part of why I love you." It was perhaps the entire reason love sparked in the first place. "You're so cold...ruthless sometimes, but you're always warm for me." How many times had Shizuru wondered about that? How many people had Natsuki shoved away over the years? "You let me stay, Natsuki...when no one else was allowed to do so, you let me stay by your side." Natsuki was always careful, always calculating, planning her next move. "You didn't push me away."

With Shizuru at her side, Natsuki never planned. She was haphazard and messy. Shy, and she stuttered, blushing for even the simplest of comments. For many, it would be hard to understand, and near impossible to interpret it. Shizuru, she understood it well. _"You loved me from the start."_ Shizuru thought fondly, after all of their time together it made sense. _"Even if you didn't know at the time."_

It was fitting, Shizuru assumed, that they kissed tentatively at first. Each kiss very much innocent, as if baited breaths and fearful hearts kelp them from reaching their goals. Natsuki's hands weren't as busy as Shizuru's, they kept themselves appropriately tangled in fawn hair, or clawing their way down a clothed back. It seemed a good long while before they even parted their lips,allowing to drink the love they shared. Even then, Natsuki's tongue was hesitant, and she shuttered when Shizuru had first begged for access, granted though the request had been.

 _"So very much like Mikoto indeed."_ Shizuru thought as she deepened the kiss. _"All in due time, my Natsuki. All in due time."_


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 3**

Life was unusually quiet when she had nothing to do with herself. She wondered if that was her own fault, or the fault of the circumstances her life had given her when she was younger. She couldn't be sure. Still, everyone had their own lives it seemed. Those who hadn't moved away, were in either collage or in high school. That, or they were working some place. She didn't have anything like that to do. For the first time in her life, she woke up without motives, without a care, and hell, she hadn't even gotten up in the morning to heat water for Shizuru's tea.

It felt pretty good, not having a rhyme or a reason. At least, at first it did. Still, the quiet ebbed on, and Natsuki sighed at that. It was always quiet in the worst of times. Still, she shrugged, telling herself to not even dare let her mind wander off into the abyss she promised she wouldn't visit again. Instead, it lingered merely as a passing thought as she went out to the garage and finished [the painting](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8580200/4/Vacant-Infatuations), finally happy to have completed yet another project. Still, as her hand dripped with the white, sticky liquid as it dried, she couldn't help but shake her head. "Too white...too pure." She chuckled to herself, if she hadn't been lost in her mind when she started the project, she would have noticed that. It didn't take her long to find some of the deep violet Shizuru had wanted as an accent color in one of the bathrooms, there was only a tiny bit left, and she splashed it haphazardly all over the back wall. She did the same the the small amounts of green and blue she had left from the other rooms as well, as they mixed sloppily on the now, not so white space. "Better." Natsuki said, leaving it to dry.

Why hadn't she noticed such simple things before? How their sofa seemed to be devoid of plushy pillows, and a warm blanket. How their halls seemed barren, not many photos to remind them of important people and places. The lack of warmth was hidden, the outside observer would think nothing of it, but Natsuki saw every little detail that had gone missing, or, hadn't been there in the first place. She sighed at the breakfast nook that sat by the [front door](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8580200/4/Vacant-Infatuations), an odd place for it yes, but the best place to sit and watch the world go by. That was the only place that had something important, Nao's cigarettes.

She picked one up and studied it, wondering why it seemed so appealing. They smelled bad, they were morbidly unhealthy, and the [addiction](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8580200/4/Vacant-Infatuations) factor seemed enough reason to stay away from it. But why then, Natsuki had to wonder, did some people insist about filling their body with the toxic smog? She doubt she'd ever know, and before today, she would have shunned the idea of even smoking one. Now though, she wondered what drove Nao to keep doing it. She took one out, placing it behind her ear, and then took the lighter and put it in her packet. Yet another passing interest to occupy her thoughts as she grabbed her jacket, heading outside for a brisk stroll. It wasn't all that cold, but it wasn't warm either, she didn't bother to zip it as she walked, watching the people come and go, as she meandered aimlessly to the auto shop down the street, not far from the house.

It was a small little place, with only the owner as a companion. "Hey." She husked out as she watched him taking a car apart. "Busy day." She knew it was always backed up with work. It was small, and local. The prices were borderline cheep if not always fair. Natsuki took care of her bike herself, but she still brought Shizuru's car here. After three flat tires, a smashed headlight, and a cracked windshield, she'd become friendly with the owner. When she was younger, this was Yamada's way of keeping Natsuki supplied with motor bikes, she crashed them so often. "A crap ton of bikes today too." She noticed as they sat along the far wall.

"Yeah, no shit." He grumbled. He was a portly man, who with great difficulty trudged on. He took his job as his passion. "The hell you doing here? I thought you'd be buggered off some place."

"No. I gave up." She told him as she watched his body, or what she could see of it, stiffen for only a moment. Then he relaxed again, going back to his work. "What about you, thought you took more days off."

"Yeah." He sighed. "The damned kid quit on me." His son, he had meant. "Wants to be a doctor. Can you believe that? Must be pretty brazen to think he could." He cursed as she pushed himself out from under the car. "Can't be no father and son team without my kid here. He's got no interest in it though, told me so himself." Ken shrugged, scratching his head with his oil saturated hands. "Ain't his boss though, so I'm not gonna do shit about it. He'll come back eventually. You watch."

"I dunno Ken." Natsuki went to school with the guy's son. He wasn't that bad, but he wasn't that good either. All they ever seemed to do was get into fistfights. Although, Natsuki assumed, that was fine with her. Better having a buddy to beat up, than it was to have some poor boy fawning over her. "He wasn't too bad, ya know? He may actually do it. Wouldn't be the first time he told us to screw off." He was one of the few school mates she actually enjoyed talking with, and his father was a family friend.

"He does do that, don't he?" Ken laughed then, tossing one of his metal tools across the room, smiling in satisfaction as it clinked loudly into the tool box. "My kid after all."

Natsuki nodded, going to sit on one of the cars that had a closed hood. "What's it like?" She asked, pulling the cigarette to her mouth. "Being a parent, I mean."

He watched as she talked with the cigarette in her mouth, it flopped with each word, and it was clear Natsuki didn't have the slightest idea of what she was doing. "Don't smoke much, do ya?" He was a cigar man himself, and always had the smell wafting through his shop. "It ain't so bad." He told her.

"Kids, or smoking?" She asked as she fiddled with the lighter. She lit it a few times for good measure, looking at it, studying the dancing flame.

"Both." He shrugged, looking at the car again, his brown eyes glowered at the engine. "Although, smoking is less trouble." He told her. "Can give you a heart attack. Both of them, little shits." He was a crass man, and she didn't have any problems with that. He was down to earth, open, honest, there was nothing she could fault about him, besides, perhaps, his constantly messy house.

"Suppose I wanted one?" She shrugged, lighting the stick in front of her, inhaling. "The fuck is wrong with me!" She hacked, spluttering out the cloud that had almost gone into her lungs. Trying her best to pull fresh air into her. She flipped the man the bird as she leaned over, coughing violently. "Jackass. Could offer me something to drink or something."

All he did was continue laughing. "That, girl." He wheezed while doubled, she doubted he could stop laughing, even if he had wanted to. "That's the joys of kids." He coughed a few timed then. "Thanks, needed the laugh."

"I don't follow." She growled at him.

"Have one, see for yourself." He smirked. "You'll find out what I mean."

"I don't get what you mean half the time!" She shouted, losing her temper as she stopped on the smoldering ash on the floor. "Stupid thing tried to kill me."

"And you put it there." Cleaning his hands on the jumpsuit that he wore, he looked around a bit. "Same with kids really. People want 'em, but they can't take the stuff that comes with 'em." He pointed to an old photo on the wall, a picture of her father from days gone by. "Just like your old man in that way. He could never take the heat either. I guess that's why he left, couldn't be bothered with all the problems you gave him." He chuckled then, remembering such times. "Joys of kids." It seemed as if it couldn't be said enough. He grabbed another jumpsuit, one that was bunched up in the corner. "You try to teach 'em, but the fact is, they teach themselves."

"Was I really that hard on him?" Natsuki asked, she couldn't say she remembered.

"Not any harder than any other kid." Ken said, finally nodding at her. "Though, I suspect it doesn't much matter. You were always the way you are now. That's never going to change." That's what Natsuki admired about this man. He was simple like that, always had been, always would be. "Here by nine, five days a week. Eight a day. Lunch at twelve." Then he shook it out, dust fluttering around as he did, nodding in approval. "You're in."

"Sounds good." She said softly, looking at the tattered blue suit stained with all things she loved. Oil, gas, engine fluid, coolant. She let the idea sink in. "Yeah. I like the sounds of that."

"Knew ya would, kid." He nodded, and then he pointed in the back, a room for her to change. "Yeah..." He grunted to himself as he lifted a heavy part back into place. "Kids ain't bad."

…

When Shizuru got home that night, she got out of her car that she parked on the street. She stood there, watching the things she couldn't hear.

Natsuki was laughing, so hard in fact, she'd tipped over one of the glasses on the table. Nao sat there, a careless look in her eyes, as Haruka bellowed stomping off into the kitchen. How could she have missed this? How could she have over looked such a simple happiness. Chip bags were everywhere, she fully assumed the front room was completely trashed as Mikoto tossed a few bits of food in Nao's general direction.

Yeah...it would be a mess.

" _A good mess."_ She smiled softly. She couldn't help but to stand and stare. Natsuki was- no- they all were, happy. Normalcy to a degree, it seemed it had fallen over their little house. When was the last time they'd done something like this? She couldn't remember, but she knew one thing. Mai had planned it. Mai planned everything, in a way, she was the glue. Shizuru had to admit that when she saw sight through the window, a phantom of what could have been. _"If Mai were still here, would it happen more?"_ She didn't know, but at that point, the seemingly numb thought drifted away. It looked like a dream.

A happy dream, nothing more than a mirage.

"We've been waiting for you." The soft voice intoned behind her. His cool stare something she fancied about the man, one whom she considered a very close friend. "I didn't actually think you'd show up, even if this is your house."

"Oh come now, Reito." She turned to him. "It isn't like I get caught up in my work all that often." Her eyes gazing to him for only a moment, before looking back at the soundless movie. "I can't leave Natsuki alone for very long, or she gets into trouble. Although, it seems as if she already has." A full blown food fight was in the making, she could hear the humorous screams as Natsuki yelled playfully at Nao, their argument blunted, chips in Natsuki hair a sign of that simple truth.

"Thank you." He told her quietly. "For looking after Mikoto." He was not a shy man, by any means, but even he felt odd saying such a thing. "Ever since Mai left, she's been very upset. She's begun to withdraw from me, and sometimes, I wonder what she's thinking."

"She's finding her way." Shizuru told him, as the conversation from last night came back in a flood. "Still, hers will end differently." Painfully so, in fact. Mikoto would eventually learn to move on, but it would take time, and plenty of encouragement from others in order to do it. "I wouldn't worry so much, Natsuki turned out fine, after all."

"And what about Haruka." He told Shizuru knowingly. "She still rejects Yukino. I don't believe they will be anything more than friends."

"Perhaps, that is the way it should be." Shizuru told him. "Rather, the question is different, for them." She sighed as she began to lean on her car door, looking at Reito's tall form. "The question is, does Yukino need more than that? Every single time I've seen her, she's been content. She's still Haruka's shadow in many ways, as you know."

"You could be right." He agreed as he walked over and stood by the elegant woman. Once in his younger years, he'd had his eye on her. "I always though, that if I were to pick my bride, it would be you." That was several years ago though, back when the two of them were in junior high. "I never imagined you'd actually be interested in a woman. What is it about Natsuki that pleases you so much?"

"If I was even momentarily amused by the idea of marring a man, you would have been that man, Reito." Still, as she looked into his eyes, at the calm, soft smile he always gave, only for her, she knew it could never shine as brightly as it should have. "As for Natsuki, I don't know. I don't believe I ever will. She's more than I can explain. Then again, if I could, would you even understand my words?"

"Probably not." He laughed agreeably. "Let's go inside, hmm? The festivities are going on without us."

"Yes..." She said breathlessly as she saw the joy Natsuki exuded in every breath she took, every blink of her eyes. "Lets."

…

That had been weeks ago.

A photo of the mess sat proudly on the mantle for all to see. The group of friends, of rivals, joined together. Sadly, it wasn't the entire group, but merely peering at the sight, made Natsuki realize how flawless life could really be. She had a job, a woman she loved, suddenly, it seemed as if the world wasn't so cold. As if the hate and sadness that filled her heart had gone away in merely the blink of an eye. Still, there were a few things that worried her, befuddled her even, as of late. It wasn't really a surprise, she knew she was an introverted person. She could admit that sometimes, she didn't make her feelings as clear as she wanted them to be. Still, she'd been waiting for something...anything from Shizuru.

It wasn't any guess what Shizuru wanted from Natsuki.

Still the idea made her tremble. The very thought of giving the woman what she desired drove Natsuki crazy. There were so many things Shizuru had talked about before, her jokes merely the tip of what was likely a very deep iceberg. Natsuki hadn't even begun to guess at what Shizuru would want to do when they got that far. Apart of her, the cowardly part, made her want to halt at the door, act like she was sleepy, and go to bed. Or, if she couldn't pull off such a ploy, she'd just go and watch television, even if the screen was fizzy. She'd be okay with it...waiting around until the end of time...but she knew Shizuru was hesitating. She was holding herself back.

Shizuru always held herself back.

If it was out of love, or out of fear, Natsuki wasn't sure. Still, they'd become more open, more talkative of these issues. They'd begin to accept the humanity of it all, and Natsuki knew she was just like everyone else in that respect. More closeted and quiet about such things, perhaps, but she was becoming acutely aware by every brush of hands, the kisses they shared, Shizuru scent...it all mingled into some very long days, and nearly sleepless nights. If she wasn't so humiliated by the feeling, even if she knew it was normal, she would have done it herself years ago.

It was, without a doubt that, the thing she craved most, even if the mere thought sent terrified shivers down her spine. She wanted Shizuru, and she wanted that damned impenetrable wall to be shattered for good. As she walked into their bedroom, she saw Shizuru enthralled in her book, reading glasses adorning her peaceful face. "Shizuru..." Natsuki called from the door. "You've been stuck in that book for hours now." Another trashy novel left little by way of imagination, two naked women gracing the front cover.

"I'm sorry." Shizuru giggled looking up momentary. "I did not realize my reading was bothering you." Shizuru was chewing her thumbnail just a tiny bit as she continued reading, her eyes scanning the page as if it were a treasure to be coveted. Her bangs hid her eyes, but even Natsuki knew what Shizuru was feeling.

"It's not bothering me." Arousal, in vast waves. It was a common sight, and Natsuki had walked in on this a few times. She was partly surprised she hadn't heard the low hum of a personal toy Shizuru sometimes used. "I was just wondering when you were going to be done, that's all." She was used to that, and perfectly fine with it, even if the scent clung in the air afterwords, tormenting her dreams night after night as she imagined just what was going on next to her. "I can wait, it's not a big deal."

It was that soft tone again. "No, that's quite alright." Inviting in a way, and Shizuru's ears picked up on it instantly. "What is it?" Shizuru said then, putting her book aside, and sliding her glasses off of her face.

Now that was indeed the question of the hour. Natsuki wasn't completely sure herself. Why hadn't Shizuru taken the complete initiative? Why hadn't either of them pushed further? Why was this god forsaken wall of doubt still between them like a curse? Natsuki knew the answer, she's known it all along. "I'd like to think I've been waiting for you to be ready." Natsuki said as she stood at the foot of the bed. "But we both know that it's the other way around." She sighed then, wondering why the woman had yet to do anything. "Why haven't we-" She cut herself off, the red on her cheeks sending the message clearly. "Why...just...just _why_?"

Shizuru's eyes went wide as she thought about that question. She honestly had suffered about that quite a few times, but had come up short as well. "Do you want that?" Came the blunt, and rather uneasy question as it fell from her lips in a near whisper. Shizuru didn't want to push, she'd promised herself she wouldn't lose her mind, that she wouldn't give into the temptations like she had in her past. She'd wait. She would be ready only when Natsuki herself was. That's what she'd decided. Still, as she sat there now, watching Natsuki fiddle with her hair absentmindedly, she knew Natsuki wasn't going to back down. She wasn't going to hide away from her touch. "Do you want us to be together, in that way?"

"I dunno." Natsuki said with a heavy heart, her eyes glaring daggers at the floor. "But you don't try either." Natsuki sighed then. "So, I don't know if you-" Her eyes looked back at Shizuru then, and the confidence of the conversation falling away from her, slipping between her fingertips. "I've never even- you know...with myself- and you have and-" She could feel herself shaking. "Damn..." She finally cussed, mentally kicking herself for being a fool.

"I know." Shizuru finally said as soothingly as she could. "There were times, when we were younger, that I watched you struggle with things like this. I'd watch you pace around, not saying anything. Instead you insisted on getting stuck inside of your head, fighting with yourself." Shizuru knew she was doing it again. "So, what are you thinking, you can tell me Natsuki, I won't get upset."

"I don't know, Shizuru." It was raw, lost, and Natsuki didn't have any grasp on anything. She was terrified, but she wanted this. She hated the idea of surrendering herself, but she didn't want to be alone her entire life, never knowing the joys others had. She felt so conflicted, she hadn't known where to begin, and she knew she'd get stuck again if she didn't just act on impulse. "This time, I really just don't know."

Crimson met emerald, both sets of pools set alight with their own jumbled, and worried thoughts. Empty though they seemed in the vastness of the moment, both of them knew that was far from truth. Shizuru crept closer to Natsuki, standing from the bed as she looked at the woman in front of her. "I will be as gentle as I can be." She whispered, before claiming the other woman's lips. Her fingers trailing up Natsuki's silken shirt, reaching her unclothed breast, touching them with the pads of her fingers for the first time, before trailing her hands back down to the hem, pulling away from the kiss. "I promise I will."

Then she bit her lip, thinking of something that distracted her, before throwing off her warm sweater as if it were some dangerous creature. Unclasping her bra, holding it cradled with her arm, she looked at the woman before her. "However, I want you to be the same." With that, she let herself become exposed, hiding her eyes away, her nerves finally kicking in. "I want to know that you'll take care of me, because this scares me too." She whispered heatedly as she went back towards Natsuki, removing the only protection the shorter woman had from being seen. The silk shirt fell to the ground like a smooth sheet, so simple, as if it hadn't belonged there in the first place.

Then both women stood there motionless, their eyes meeting yet again.

"Don't stare." Natsuki finally said, covering her bare breasts. "Don't look at me like that. I can't stand it." It was the hunger that bugged her, the look as if Shizuru was after her pray. That feeling worried her, even if only slightly.

"I have seen you before." Shizuru whispered, pulling Natsuki's chin to face her. "I have seen you bare, your body dripping as you've stood from the bath. Every morning I watch you dress, just as you do the same." She chuckled softly her tongue darting out to lick her lips. "And yet, here, the one time I myself am afraid of you, that I ache to feel you, to know that you wish the same...and it is only now that you dislike my gaze. Does it burn you so, Natsuki, that you would hide from me?" She wished to taste the woman before her, wanted to ravish her right then and there. "I will ease your fears then." Shizuru said as she turned to their light switch, turning it off so that the room was as dark as pitch. Then she went into the bathroom, lighting a few scented candles, and placed them about the room. "I will take all the time you need."

With a reserved sigh, Natsuki stood still, still in awe of what was happening. "I...I want to do the rest myself." She said softly in the dark, watching the figure bathed in lights as she lit the fixtures embedded in the mantle. As Natsuki took off her the rest of her pajamas, she couldn't help but to continue talking. "You've made me lose my mind, I think. If we're really doing this, then...gods." Even in the dark she couldn't help but feel exposed as she went over to the bed, slipping under the covers. "We're really going to-"

"It's okay, you'll be alright. " Shizuru breathed faintly at the sound of Natsuki's voice. She had finished undressing as well, she could hardly see anything but silhouettes, the glimmer of Natsuki's eyes, and the shadows that danced because of the small flickering fires upon the wall. "You're blushing aren't you." Shizuru knew the answer as she too slipped under the sheets. "Don't worry, I won't tease you." She felt the woman underneath her, smiling as she loomed over the girl of her affections. "I am too." She captured the woman's lips with her own, hushing the fears as she wound her fingers into the locks of midnight hair, Natsuki's hands resting upon Shizuru's shoulders as they held each other for several long moments.

She wished she could see the beautiful woman under her as she let her left hand play freely, exploring soft curves without reservation. She could feel the supple mounds of Natsuki's soft breasts, her breath shallow, as she quietly begged for Shizuru to keep her word, and not to begin teasing. Natsuki couldn't see anything, but now, she wished she could. The veil of darkness made her more sensitive to the most subtle of movements. Their kisses were soft at first as Shizuru let her fingers dance upon the goose fleshed skin. Natsuki's own far more hesitant as she let her fingers fall from the tresses of soft locks and down Shizuru's smooth back, cupping her ass for merely a moment before resting her palms higher on the woman, holding her close as they kissed.

Natsuki trembled as Shizuru touched her, the pads of her fingers holding her in place as manicured nails dragged lightly across her skin, tantalizing lips gave feather soft kisses as they trailed lower. "Shizuru, don't." Natsuki barely breathed, feeling herself begin to grow wet at the soft touches. They felt good, yes, but they frightened her. She held the woman near as she breathed hotly into her ear. "That's..." She sighed deeply as she closed her eyes, Shizuru's tongue leaving a trail of liquid head that was cooled by the air immediately.

Natsuki's breasts were small, but perky. The attention Shizuru gifted them making Natsuki grab at the sheets. Her mouth was hot and moist, as she lavished the sensitive flesh. "It is alright, my Natsuki." She mumbled, heated air yet another caress among the overwhelming feelings. "Easy, love. It's okay." She said again as Natsuki jumped a bit, feeling Shizuru's leg move between hers. "You're okay." Natsuki was worked up in more ways than one and Shizuru felt the heat radiating from Natsuki's core. She let her hand continue to trail Natsuki's body as her lips played with her breasts, her tongue dragging trails of liquid heat in its wake.

"Just...do it already, Shizuru."

…

(Natsuki POV)

If people could fly away, then would they rejoice?

I've always wondered that. They say you fly, that you leave ground, reaching heights unmatched, untamed. If that were true, then the very idea means I wouldn't like it. Why would I, after all, let go of myself, and go to a place I can hardly trust, a place I've never seen? The reality is, I have before. There was nothing on the other side of that jump, only darkness... an endless void...that's it. I was afraid, that's what everyone said it would be like. It's why I hesitated at first. I'd been blessed after all...I had my life back, it was stable, and I didn't want to push Shizuru and I over the edge of an abyss...I didn't want to fly either.

When her leg pressed into me, it was embarrassing. I'd never had anyone touch me like that before, not there, not while grinding into me, making me even more wet as I tried desperately to not think about it. I knew she was smiling, her soft words protective, honest. I could feel her lips planting soft kisses on my body, making it light on fire. Her teeth nibbling at the nape of my neck, trying to sooth me every time she'd tried to go lower. I didn't want her to do that, to tease me merely with her hands. I wanted to be in her arms protected and safe. I wanted her lips on mine, and I wanted to hold on for dear life.

I was terrified, but, I just wanted her to take me.

The feelings were so new, there was an ember lit each and every time her smoldering eyes would gaze into mine. The deadly fire was gone...it hadn't been there all night long. Shizuru, a woman who bathed in blood just for me, back in the days of our madness, she was no longer the same woman from back then. I never knew her fingers could be so soft, that her care would be comforting. I never imagined she'd be careful with me, as if I was a treasure of the finest crystal, never to be broken.

I had this preconceived notion that she'd throw me on our bed, rip my clothes off, and cover me in marks, scratches. Claiming me for herself, I thought she may end up damning to hell what we worked so hard to protect. That's why at first, I was shocked when she told me how frightened she was. I was expecting something dark and primal...

She didn't.

It wasn't like that. When her fingers touched me for the first time, I let out the first of my surrendering sighs. As they became slick in my arousal, I braced myself for what I knew she was going to do. I cried, hot tears spilling down my face. It didn't hurt...but I still cried. I was supposed to be the strong one, the bad ass biker...but she- her eyes, they made me so weak. Shizuru had so much love for me, and I had ignored it for so long, that seeing her crimson orbs, filled with everything, from the hurt of the past, and the joys today, I realized how utterly lost we both were. How much we needed this...

She held me through everything, gently parting and entering me, her words filled with nothing but love.

How do you begin to halt the growing need that burn your belly? How do you pause time, and take a photo of the beauty, one that isn't seen, but felt? How do you accept what the touch does to you, making you lose control in a small way? Maybe I'm just not as romantic as I want to be for her. Perhaps it was just that I didn't want to go to the new world. It could be that my journey was just different. What if my soul told me that I didn't need to climb high, because she was right there, and that was all of heaven that I wanted...I dunno...I guess I'm still clueless.

I need her more now.

There's something about laying in bed, covered in your own sweat, as the person you love slides out of you. It's an exposure you can't hide, not if you're trying to be truthful. As much as I tried to catch my breath, tried to understand why my body was shuttering, I couldn't make heads or tales of it. All that I knew was that I wanted her in my arms...that I didn't want to let her go. If that's all I ever know in my life, I don't care. It's enough...

It'll always be enough.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 4  
** (Time Skip: One month later)

It was early in the morning when Shizuru pushed past the edges of sleep and awoke to the grayness of early morning. Her eyes were closed as she cursed at the sounds coming from outside the door. After she found her robe she sleepily opened the door to their bedroom, a deep scowl on her face. "Yes?" She was curt, though she could see the sadness in Mikoto's eyes. This was normal, common really, and although she mentally found the prospect more annoying than she could speak of, she let the girl come in, and share their bed. There was something needy in the childlike embrace Shizuru often found herself in, and she wondered why Mai had put up with it for so long. Still sins were sins, faults were faults, and Mikoto was entitled to having her own.

It was the reminder of that truth directly, that Shizuru made some level of peace with such allowances.

That fact she didn't often cling onto Natsuki likely helped some. Even after Mikoto fell asleep, Shizuru found it oddly appealing that the soft near purr of her breathing was very similar to Natsuki's own when contented. Mikoto was a stunted child in many ways, and that made her easy to manipulate. She had an unshakable loyalty to her brother, even if she didn't speak much with him, not like a sibling should. Though, when Shizuru thought about it, Mikoto clung to Natsuki like a lost puppy would when searching for a new owner. They fought a lot, or simply spent their time not speaking with each other. Not deeply anyway.

No, it seemed as if Mikoto had chosen Shizuru for that.

The woman of fawn hadn't any idea why, though she could hazard a few guesses in a proper direction. She shared a strong friendly bond with Reito. It was in fact, highly equatable to the friendship Mai and Natsuki shared. It would make since, Shizuru readily assumed, that Mikoto would choose her. Someone her brother would approve of, while keeping Natsuki nearby. Mikoto had that unspoken need, after all, to be protected by those older than her. That was why Mikoto ended up in their bed, clinging onto her, and, infuriatingly enough, using her breasts as a pillow. What was even more annoying was that Natsuki allowed it, though, she did tend to shove the younger girl around so that she had room to cuddle into Shizuru too.

Thankfully, the torture would end in a few hours, though sleep would likely be hard to come by in this state.

Their home was occasionally like this. Mikoto in their bed, which mean, without a shadow of a doubt, Nao was passed out in the living room. Sleep would not arrive, and so, she pried herself away from the now snoring teen, knowing sooner or later in the depth of sleep, Natsuki would become the new pillow. Shizuru put some deep thought into her soul about that. She didn't like it, hated it in fact. Still, Mikoto's fixation was not on Natsuki, but instead of Mai. She was merely seeking comfort where there was none to be given, and Shizuru knew it would be unkind to deny such simple request.

Who would she be, after all, if she passed judgment on such innocent, and often childlike wishes?

Mikoto was of little threat. It was that knowledge that eased the possessive fury Shizuru often had. The fact Mikoto clung onto her just as much, also fueled a different instinct over time. Protective, yet seething with hate. Shizuru had long since let go of being angry with Mai, and had some level of respect for the carrot top. Yet she could not forgive the sadness Mai left behind. She couldn't forgive leaving Mikoto so broken, so lost and alone. The emotions went deep, and though they were scarred over, Shizuru remembered well, just how much they all struggled.

Mai had saved Mikoto from her inward prison, but then, Mai had forsaken her. All to be with an idiotic man. Mai and Tate fought all the time, yelled and argued...still Mai chose him over this girl? It was enough to make Shizuru want to lash out in Mikoto's steed. "Shit..." She sighed shakily as she sat at her kitchen table, as she often did on nights like tonight. Mai's love was of friendship, not of romance. It was like a toxin that invaded Shizuru's blood each time she saw Mikoto's worried face.

The girl was even afraid to lose Natsuki now, all because of those hasty, rash actions.

"Damn you, Mai." Shizuru sighed, her face in her hands. "You stupid, stupid woman." Mai had saved the world, but she doomed one lonely, fearful little soul when she did it. One soul that had loved her unconditionally, gave so willingly. Shizuru hated that...hated Mai...knowing that's what caused Mikoto to be that way. That's why Shizuru knew she had to put up with it. She had to gift kindness, give protection, she knew what it was to walk down that horribly dark road.

Shizuru would never wish that upon her worst enemy, let alone someone so kindred in the darkest of lights. Mikoto had killed for Mai, after all. Fought to protect her, to love her...even if she was naive in her understanding. Mikoto wasn't any different from Shizuru, at least, in that way.

"And just think, you'd be the same way, if that dumb mutt didn't come and get you." Nao yawned as she padded her way into the kitchen, unceremoniously, and in her scantly clad underwear no less. "You like? I thought I would look absolute stunning for the mutt."

"If you don't wish for me to kill you, I would suggest that you shut up." Shizuru muttered at the redhead, though Nao seemed unphased by the remark as she fished out one of Natsuki's beers. "I wish you would refrain from doing such activities until you're of proper age. I have half a mind to call the authorities."

"Piss off, Shizuru." Nao shot back. "I came in here to help, but if you're going to be a bitch, then I'll just drink this and go crash." She popped the top, watching as it rolled into the middle of the floor. She made no move to pick it up, but instead just looked at it. Then, she looked back at Shizuru, the woman had a gleam in her eyes, and it was one Nao hated seeing. "Look, I know you hate me, but I know trouble when I see it."

"I've no idea what you mean." Her mask with Nao had been trashed to bits long ago, and she knew this, but it didn't stop her from trying.

"You tried to kill me, remember?" Nao shrugged. She knew better than to play with fire, she was practically flirting with death, and she knew it. Still, she was of that daredevil mindset. "I know that look, you're pissed off, so just spill it for gods sake, before your stupid mutt piddles the floor in worry."

Nao did like Natsuki, in her own way. The insults were Nao's kindness, a way to keep Natsuki as a dear friend, but also at great length. Shizuru hated Nao greatly, and, she assumed that was why they both continued to cuss each other out, fight, and sometimes throw punches. Shizuru was happy Natsuki did it, because it was mostly a ruse, but it was one Shizuru delighted in, even if she knew it was partly falsehood. "I completely loathe you." Shizuru finally said, but sighed in defeat anyway. "Both you, and Mai."

Nao rolled her eyes at that. "What did the airhead do this time?" Mai, the cause of most verbal HiME battles nowadays, as it were. Nao hadn't heard from her in a while, though she didn't much like keeping contact. "She hasn't called me in a few weeks."

"I suspect that would be the issue." Shizuru grumbled very unladylike like as she slouched in her chair. She was tired, but also quite worried. "She has that poor child so worked up, and she doesn't even know she's doing it, does she?"

"Ah." Nao nodded, Shizuru had finally put the pieces together. "You're pissy because of what Mai did to Mikoto." She grinned a bit, though she did feel a bit bad for Mikoto, it wasn't in her nature to show it. "I wouldn't worry about it, now you get to have two pets for the price of one."

"That isn't funny." Shizuru knew it was partly the truth. If this kept up, she was sure Mikoto would direct more and more of her overt fixation onto other people. Shizuru didn't want to be the next target, though, she knew it would be difficult to avoid. "She's going to get hurt, and begin to hurt others in kind." Shizuru said, knowing it was the only path people like them could take. "Mai caused that."

"So did Natsuki, didn't she?" Nao knew that would strike a cord. Natsuki did, after all, reject Shizuru for quite some time, back in the day. Mostly it was out of fear, or out of Natsuki past consuming her. Still, Nao knew well of Shizuru's turmoil. She was, after all, one of the many who incurred the wrath Shizuru had unleashed. "Natsuki did that to you too, but you guys turned out fine and dandy. Mikoto will bounce back."

"And if she doesn't?" Shizuru queried, unsure of how to take Nao's words.

"Then we'll have another rampage, now won't we?" Nao finally said, smirking at the displeasure sparked at her words.

…

It wasn't that she couldn't drive, but she just liked walking. Her feet carried her when nothing else could, when no one else had been able. How long had she walked the streets of Fuka? She never knew, but at the same time, she never found that it mattered much. Each step was a memory for her, each window a possible picture that they'd never taken. How often would they sit in the cafe, after all? How many times would Mai drag them into that damned karaoke bar? Natsuki could even recall going into the weapon shops as a teen, trying to search for anything that could prove useful to her, then she'd have someone older buy it. The city of Fuka was now a safe place, but even Natsuki needed comfort, and found it within the form of bullets.

Each time she picked up the heavy weight of her gun, she remembered why she bought it in the first place. It was a revolver, perhaps a bit old fashioned, but it was hers. Her protection, solace found within each bullet. She wondered if it was simply in her genes, she was still an ace shot, even after her powers had left her. Shizuru had the same flawless, deadly power whenever she pulled out her blade. They were both very dangerous women, when one thought about it, and yet, away from the things that threatened them, they became harmless people.

Shizuru seemed to prove that day after day. Natsuki couldn't deny the raw devotion she found within those crimson eyes on occasion. She wished the rest of the world could be like that. That the world could see the darkness for what it was, and overcome it within themselves, for the sake of others. Still, there was darkness laced within the heart of everyone, and it took only one event, one painful bit of truth, for it to consume a person. That's why she was here today, acting as a tutor for such a young girl. Natsuki had almost refused, almost turned her back on the child, but there was something very real in those eyes. It was a gaze that couldn't be quelled by forgiveness alone.

So, Natsuki had agreed, without reservation.

"Reload..." Natsuki said softly, standing behind a shorter girl and her weapon. "When you hold the gun, you've gotta be able to feel the weight in your hands. The kickback it has is going to be strong, so you've always got to take a moment to reaffirm your aim." Well, it was simple enough, in it's own way. "Remember, in a real fight, you've got to be able to count each shot you make, and each time you pull the trigger, understand that you're doing so for reasons that must be your own." That was why she pulled it, after all. The reasons why she even kept a gun after the HiME battle...it was for everything, a solid reminder, and grim protection.

It was fitting after all, she assumed. Still, as she walked back to Yamada, she could see the careless expression. They both watched this girl, as she fired off more rounds of the gun Natsuki had given her, watching as the deadly accuracy set into place quicker than any average child. "She's pretty good." Natsuki could agree with that. "But why is she so insistent on learning to shoot?"

"Revenge for something that happened in her family. " Yamada shrugged. He made good money in some of the most perverse of places, and he did it without any remorse. "Why the hell else would I call you for help?"

"Damn." Natsuki sighed as she shook her head. "How old is she?"

"About eight." The portly man shrugged. "Got an older brother too...he's twelve. They're the only ones left. Dunno what happened, and I don't ask."

"She'll need lots of work." Natsuki said then, in passing, though she was sure the girl wasn't at all a novice. "I'll think about it. No promises though."

"Natsuki?" The little girl called as she turned around, looking at her tutor. "Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah..." Natsuki replied, though she couldn't possibly grasp the searching look in the eyes of the child. "What is it?"

The little girl frowned. She handed Natsuki back the gun carefully, as she'd been showed how to do before. "Yamada told me, that you were like me. So what made you stop?"

Natsuki only nodded and smirked. "I found something no one else could." She told the little girl. There was light there, an innocence before the storm. "Let me ask you this, who taught you everything you know?" The little girl didn't say anything, but her eyes told the truth Natsuki was looking for. "Listen, I don't know why you're so intent on putting blood on your hands, but before you do, think about it. Why are you doing it, and, if it really needs to be done." Then she put her gun back in her holster, looking at Yamada, and then back to the girl with fire in her eyes. "After that, if you really want my help, I'll show you all I know."

Natsuki had left the child then, not bothering to look back with pity. Everyone had their crosses to bear, and this world would always be riddled with injustice. Still, her steps that had carried her home resounded in her mind. How long had she gone, wandering about without any clear rhyme or reason? _"I'm not doing this for you guys. I'm out to get revenge..."_ Those words, ones she'd told Mai one sunny day always seemed to be so full of truth. At least, that's what Natsuki thought.

" _You won't admit your true feelings then."_ She'd never forget Mai's playful jibe. It had been true, in its own small way, back then. Natsuki hadn't any intention of letting personal feelings of friends and family get in her way. Yet, they had forced their way into her mind. It was slow, and Shizuru was the one who had began the journey to put Natsuki back together. Still, it wasn't without the others, it wasn't without Mai's persistent mothering, and Mikoto's cuddliness...it wasn't without falling, struggling together, that they all found some idea of normal. Perhaps that was where the redemption was, where it had been the entire time.

Hidden in the fires of anger, and the gloom of despair.

If that were the case, Natsuki knew this child would find that answer on their own. If she wanted to shoot a gun, Natsuki would enable her with that power, the weight of truth to fuel the choices found only within the soul, of the person holding the power. Whatever was most important, the most sought after thing, be it human or object would always win out. If that was good or bad, well, that remained to be seen. Still, when she got into her home, one that she herself had forged into what it was, what it symbolized, she knew that lesson could only be taught when all the chips were down, and gambled away. The victor go the spoils.

All of life went that way, it seemed.

Still, the gifts that stayed brightly lit beyond the door, that was the victory, won only after the worst of night had fallen down around them. She had won, after all. Her story had been completed, her life as a HiME, it had been sort lived, thankfully. Still, wasn't that who she would always be? She wondered that sometimes. As Shizuru danced around in the kitchen, their dog laying in his bed in the corner of the room...everything...it was everything. Nothing could replace it, nothing could possibly have been better than this.

…

"Shizuru, we've known each other for a while now, right?" Natsuki had pondered that very thought as she mulled over the things that toyed around in her mind. A steaming cup of tea warmed her hands, though she frowned at the bitter taste. Her large sweatshirt was so big that she was able to curl up inside of it, and had promptly done so, since their furnace refused to work.

"I would like to think so, yes." Shizuru answered back, also dressed quite snugly, her attire wasn't nearly as baggy and unkempt as Natsuki's own. "Several years in fact, one would begin to lose count right about now." Shizuru hadn't though, she cherished each day, the good ones and the bad. All of them had a place in her heart. "Although, I suspect you still have many more surprises in store for me, my Natsuki. After all, you do tend to be quite unpredictable at times."

"I thought so." Still, even as she said it, her voice sounded as if it were caught in disbelief. "Have you ever told your parents, you know, about us?"

Shizuru's brows furrowed in thought to the question. "Quite an odd inquiry, isn't it?" Shizuru asked back, wondering why Natsuki would wonder about it. Shizuru wasn't very open with many people, and her parents weren't exactly on the top of the list. "In passing, I've mentioned that I'm seeing someone, who is indeed female, if that's what you're asking." Still, Shizuru didn't understand why Natsuki seemed so interested in the topic. "They aren't the type to pry into my personal life, and I simply don't speak much about it. A silent understanding that I won't ever marry a man, shall we say. They aren't exactly fond of the idea, that I'm seeing a woman, but I knew from the moment that I fell in love with you, that not everyone would accept the notion."

Even among their friends there were a few who struggled with it, acceptance easier said than done.

"What about your own though?" Natsuki said slowly, putting her mug down as she snuggled into the blanket that kept the both warm. "I mean...would they understand?" She knew she was being vague, but she also knew Shizuru was that type of perceptive, knowing Natsuki's meaning always, even if she did sometimes pretend otherwise. There were only a few seldom times, mostly those wrought with disbelief, where Natsuki was forced into being blunt. Now though, she could beat around the bush, and Shizuru would know, in her own unique way. "If you wanted your own..."

"Hmm, you know, I never really though about it." Shizuru said as she too, place down her now empty cup. "At least, not like that." Would it honestly matter, even if she had? Shizuru doubted it. "My parents aren't exactly meddlers, so I doubt they'd really care. My mother may want to be informed, but my father is a bit, well, reserved at best. A baby is a baby...babies happen every day, at least in his mind." She did grow up in a similar setting after all, with parents who viewed things with a stern eyes, and well kept composure. "Natsuki..." Shizuru began slowly, regarding the woman she loved with careful contemplation. "Do you want one, of our own?"

"I watched a little girl shoot a gun today, Shizuru." Natsuki said then, her voice pensive. "She reminded me so much of myself. I wanted that, even back then." It had been a quiet plea at the time. "I wanted revenge for what was taken from me, but more than that, I didn't want to lose anything else. I saw that same fire in her...that same angry stare, I know I had that too, once." It was a calling, and it screamed at her to protect herself and others. "I wanted to help her, but I just couldn't. I couldn't tell her not to shoot the gun. Then I realized, that might be my kid one day...as they say, the child takes after their parents, and we're both sinners." Even if such a scream had been silenced, and the raw horror had been quelled, she couldn't disregard the facts. "Even if I know that, I can't stop the want."

Shizuru nodded quietly. They had everything. A home, that was usually warm. More money than either of them really needed. Friends, a now stable relationship...hell, they even had a family pet. On the outside looking in, there would only be one thing wrong with the family. Two women, and not a single man around. The implication alone made many cringe, still, it came naturally to both of them, shrugging off such a glare. It was the other things they couldn't cast aside. Small things, seemingly inconsequential, but still burdens none the less. To a fault, they could not escape some of them, and to a grace, sometimes they wished not to. "I know this may sound odd to you, but, I think, that if one truly wishes something in this world, they should seize it. They should do so, without fear or reservation. Still, even as I say that, we are not men, yet we wish to stand as equals alongside them. It isn't easy. Nothing in our lives will come with simplicity, or so I fear."

"That's deep." Natsuki shrugged, pretending that she hadn't been worried about roughly the same thing. "But, that doesn't answer my question."

"It answers everything, Natsuki." Shizuru said abruptly, a sharp intake of breath punctuating her words. "The question you have for me isn't something you've asked yet, but the answer Natsuki, that's yes." Shizuru sighed softly, her words dancing upon her lips, a heated breath. "Totally, utterly, and completely, yes."

…  
(Natsuki POV)

Her soft words were a melody that night. I needed to hear them. You know, it seems so natural to have Shizuru by my side. Although, I admit, there are times I find myself in a daze when she's around. Shizuru is, and I think will forever be, the type of person who says things from the bottom of her heart. That's not easy...at least not for me. She says it so casually too, as if it is natural. Sometimes, I wonder how deep her sincerity goes...if there would ever be an end to it, if I tried to find it, would I succeed? I don't think so. I think I never would.

I don't speak to Shizuru the way I should, sometimes. She doesn't mind though. With her gentle eyes, she smiles at me...I know we'll be okay.

When I've had nothing, she was there. When I was lost within the depths of my own mind, she put me back together, without even asking me if I wanted that. She just did, in her own, persistent...and casual, little way. I wanted her to see all of my pain, and take it away, she was always able to do that back then...I hadn't noticed, it came so easily to her...but I know. I want her by my side. I don't normally have to say anything...and that's good. I suck at saying things sometimes, so the fact that she just knows...

Shizuru...

I know I haven't always been there the way you needed me to be. Though you'd pay any price for me, and you did, willingly by the way...I can't say words that fit. There's nothing to compare it. Love doesn't do it justice, and besides that, you know I think that word is a complete and total crock. That said, what I feel for you...my most important person...that's...

That's why, Shizuru.

Why I want a family with you. To grow old with you. All of that for better or for worse crap they spew, we've been through it...that's enough for me, Shizuru. It's enough proof we belong like this. I'm tired of searching, and my soul to settle down and rest. I wanted to find a place, and wait for a time, when things just clicked. I wanted to find myself, and I think I have...finally. All of my reflection had led me to you, and nowhere else, though god knows I felt like I had to question it for a long time. I'm sorry Shizuru, that I made you wait so long...

I know you know, so, I don't have to say it.

I guess that's how we've always been, isn't it? I do love you, even if can't find a way to make that spill from between my lips half the time I want to, I know that you know. So, thanks...Shizuru...for staying by my side.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 5**

"Yes, may I help you?" Shizuru asked, although she already knew why the child was here. This was the one Natsuki had gone to visit. The child with fire in her eyes. Behind her, stood the portly man that Shizuru had come to respect as Yamada. Natsuki's contact. The man simply nodded wordlessly as he stayed outside. With a pensive gaze, she relented, although, Shizuru was unsure of exactly why she was going to allow this. "Natsuki's inside, in the kitchen. You'll find her there." Shizuru didn't bother to mention she was cleaning her assortment of guns, preparing for the girl's arrival.

The young girl nodded, making her way inside. Shizuru stood on the porch, closing the door behind her. "You know, Yamada, I don't know if I like you meddling in the affairs of a child." She'd known, however, that he was a man who walked in the mud of regret himself. Without a reason in his life, his work something that became his world. He was an enabler for those who could not carry themselves. "Nor do I believe that Natsuki should be doing this. It's dangerous. i wanted to keep her safe, but I can't if you keep inviting trouble."

"She wanted a window to her past, I simply gave her one." Yamada said, reaching idly for his cigarette that was perched atop his ear, deciding not to bother. Shizuru hated the smell. "That girl is an artificial HiME, a prototype of sorts. She was one that didn't have the mark. Her name is Nami, and she shares a past that is very near to Natsuki's own. I don't know much, but what I do know is that girl is being kept in the dark about a lot of things."

"Why now, of all times?" Shizuru sighed, this was why she respected him, but also hated him. He had protected Natsuki early in her life, and she owed him never ending gratitude for that. Still, his meddling went beyond normal protocol. It was just mind boggling the length he would go for his best paying client. Then again, Shizuru knew as well, the way he'd looked after the girl, he didn't think of Natsuki as just a simple means to pave his way with gold. No, she knew Yamada liked Natsuki, thought of her as a person, and not only a paycheck. "You have your reasons, and I'd like to know them."

"Call it what you like, I call it my job." He told her simply, though he was really craving a smoke, he settled with regarding Shizuru with a firm gaze, as she herself crossed her arms and leaned on the door. She was a tough cookie, this one, and he knew it. You'd have to be, to keep someone like Natsuki from straying away and getting into trouble. "She does love you, you know." He finally said, as if the young woman hadn't known. "Still, I've seen her grow up, watched what was such a pissed off little kid turn into a young woman." Finally he just shook his head. "Even if she didn't pay me...it's what her mother would want."

"You knew her?" The quiet shock to the system couldn't be hidden, crimson orbs widening. "You knew Natsuki's mother?"

"I know a lot more about that kid than you realize, but, if I'd told Natsuki everything, her soul would never rest. Her mom wasn't exactly the nicest of women alive, but she was a damn fine scientist, and even more than that, she did love her daughter. More than anyone else." He took pride in keeping quiet about most of his jobs, but Saeko was dead, long gone. It was the only job he'd never be paid for, but when he thought about it, it didn't matter much now. "Natsuki was going to be sold, but, she'd hired me to do the foot work. I was told to break Natsuki out of one of the buildings, and then help them go into hiding. The thing is, the plan just never got that far. As you know, the rest is history. They caught onto us, her mom tried to escape, failed terribly."

"Then what about that girl?" Shizuru asked then. "Is she a lab rat too?"

"She was." Yamada nodded. "You did quite a good job sending everything to hell though. In fact, her brother, he's after you." He watched, uncaring, as understanding hit Shizuru.

"The revenge she's after." She felt the weight settled over her. "I'm the one who did it."

"Her brother is the one who's pissed off." Yamada said softly. "She's upset, but she was young back then, she doesn't remember everything. Even the boy doesn't remember much, but he's after the one who killed his parents. They may not know this, but, you and I both know who it was that took vengeance in Natsuki's steed."

Clearly she knew, she was the one who did it. So many people, faces blurred among the fire and ash, the buildings that crumbled down one by one, all because she was protective, and bitterly angry. "Do you really think that girl can kill me?" Shizuru asked then, trying to grasp onto the reality of the situation, and the damage she'd done. It had spread further than she'd meant for it to go. It had affected many, and she knew it, but never in her life, had she expected to face her mistakes in the from of angry children. Orphans she caused, parents she took away. "Does she have it in her?"

"I sure hope not." Yamada said, finally giving into his craving, lighting up as he inhaled deeply. "Don't get me wrong. I didn't send the kid here to kill you. I sent her here for closure. Natsuki's not like she used to be, she mellowed out. I fully believe she can mellow this kid out too, in turn, the kid can quell her brother. That's how life works, I've seen it time and time again. If you put out the fire, you take away the hate, then there's no reason to fight." That had been his goal the entire time, his reason for staying by Natsuki's side. "Saeko would have liked you...you're ruthless, like she was. Still, when you put your wrath aside, you become very calm, and a good person for Natsuki."

"Do you really believe that?" The statement seemed like redemption in a small way, a forgiveness Shizuru had yet to receive by someone other than a HiME.

Yamada only nodded, enjoying the nicotine that entered his system, thankful Shizuru hadn't denied him the privilege. Finally he couldn't hold off his request much longer, and sighed when he'd thought about how much he hated kissing the ass of others. "I want you to take the boy, train him in knives."

"You want me to train the very person who wants me dead?" Now, wasn't that the perfect way to repent? "Now, why on this green earth would I ever agree to do something like that."

"As I see it, you took his mother away from him. You owe him something...and it goes deeper than just blood on his blade." It went so far beyond that, down into the very core of every child Yamada had ever met, every kid he'd turned into a killing machine. He knew how to walk in the mud, the gutter a lonely place to be. "Listen, any jackass can be strong, put up a tough front, but to be truly strong, you've gotta be weak. You've got to trust others will drag you through your problems when you aren't able. Otherwise, you'd be stuck there forever. Everyone I agree to take jobs from, they can be saved, fixed, in a way. If given the chance."

"Do you honestly think I can do that?" Shizuru didn't believe that she could.

Yamada only shrugged. "You owe the kid that much...to take away his pain...to at least try."

…

The girl would be staying with them on the weekends, over night so that they could make the most of time well spent. Shizuru could see from the kitchen everything Natsuki was teaching the girl. Aside from a bloody nose on Natsuki's part, everything was going well. The child in question was skilled. Shizuru couldn't help but get lost in the sight, the young woman guiding a little lost soul. Natsuki had been redeemed from her past, had learned not to let the anger seethe inside of her. She was calm now, even when she was upset, hurt, and even fearful. She'd begun to live a simple, relaxing life, one she'd always wanted but could never reach out and attain.

Shizuru smiled at that, watching the sparring match continue. Guns, fist fighting, kickboxing, lock picking...everything Natsuki had learned, she was passing onto this girl. The reality wasn't lost on Shizuru, it was Natsuki's calling to become a parent, to lead others as only she could. Flawed, in many ways perhaps. Imperfect and almost always haphazard, Shizuru wondered how many people would understand them, and the things they would pass on. Undoubtedly, the children, if they ever conceived any, would pave the way for a bloodline. That bloodline would likely invite another generation of HiME many years in the future. It may not have mattered for them, they surely wouldn't be around during the next battle. Still, that was the burden Natsuki had been worried about. They both were.

The echo of understanding, it was a cruel mistress.

_"I watched a little girl shoot a gun today, Shizuru." Natsuki said then, her voice pensive. "She reminded me so much of myself. I wanted that, even back then." It had been a quiet plea at the time. "I wanted revenge for what was taken from me, but more than that, I didn't want to lose anything else. I saw that same fire in her...that same angry stare, I know I had that too, once." It was a calling, and it screamed at her to protect herself and others. "I wanted to help her, but I just couldn't. I couldn't tell her not to shoot the gun. Then I realized, that might be my kid one day...as they say, the child takes after their parents, and we're both sinners." Even if such a scream had been silenced, and the raw horror had been quelled, she couldn't disregard the facts. "Even if I know that, I can't stop the want."_

They would have to pass on the skills, the stories, the ability to protect themselves. They would have to provide for the future, prepare for the worst. It could come back in the future, their relatives victims of the same basic fate. Even if they wouldn't be alive that many years down the line, it would be stupid, and irresponsible not to protect and defend their bloodline, the children they raised would have to prepare for the day that only a hand picked few would ever see several generations later. The battle that would destroy and rebuild them all.

That was, what the battle was, after all.

"Well the thing is, even if you do have the means to shoot someone, sometimes they can dodge a bullet." Natsuki said as the pair neared the house. Her voice was only muffled a little bit before the door opened. "The best thing you can do, is learn close ranged combat. Also, if you plan to sneak into anyplace, that's the best way to go. Though, neither method is foolproof. Sometimes, you gotta pull a plan outta your ass before you get it handed to you."

"Natsuki, really, she's just a child." Shizuru scolded, she wasn't fond of that type of language.

"Who's going to take the job of an adult into her hands." Natsuki said seriously, giving Shizuru a short, but meaningful kiss on the cheek before going over to the fridge. "I'm not going to pretend she's innocent, or that she wants to be coddled. Murder is still murder, revenge or not." And they both knew that now. She pulled out a beer for herself, and a soda for the child, walking back to the table. "Anyway, you do realize the moment you find your target and pull the trigger, that you'll be just as bad as the person you're hunting, you'll be the same. Someone else will get hurt because of your actions."

"I don't even know who we're after." The little girl said. "My brother said that I'm not ready to go with him, so right now, I'm just getting ready." Still, it was clear this was her goal, her true calling. "This person, whoever they are, they should die, for taking away my parents, they should, because it's only fair."

Natsuki frowned at that. The child's voice seemed so unlike that of an eight year old, her eyes were so much deeper, darker, filled with hate that seemed so pure. Natsuki couldn't argue the logic, she knew that feeling well. Still, she also knew the other side, the end of the tunnel. "Nami, I know what I'm talking about. I've shot people down before, taken them out before they could do me in." How could she put it in such a perspective, spin it with such clear cut intentions? "But those people have families too, people who love them, even if I hate them. Breeding hate and malice, only builds a catalyst for more. It can't be stopped, I know, but it does have to be understood. When you pull that trigger, someone will hate you for it, and may even seek you out, for the same reason."

It wasn't easy to stop. Natsuki knew that better than anyone. It was like a drug, an addiction, finding each new clue was a step forward, each setback reminded her she was alive. During a time in her life when she was so numb, she needed the anger, and the thrill of catching her pray, she thrived on such bitterness. Now though, she realized how stupid it was, how much the game charged. It was a heavy price, and Natsuki realized now, if she had continued, she wouldn't have been able to pay the toll at the end of that road.

Shizuru cold only listen with her back turned while she continued bustling around the kitchen. Natsuki's lecture an important one. "You may even lose your own life, because of the fate you seek. When people take justice into their own hands, they're only seeing one side of things, the other is cloudy. Sometimes you don't understand why people do the things they do. Sometimes, they cross the line, and at first you hate them for it, but you understand later. Then you learn to also shoulder the blame." Shizuru knew Natsuki was talking about them, what they had gone though not so long ago themselves.

"Your brother wants someone dead for killing off his parents, but don't you hate him, for not living his own life?" Natsuki wondered if that was the case at all. "I know a bunch of older brothers, who by the way need a kick in the balls, but that said, they're good people. They love the family that they've got, even if it's only one other person. He should be taking care of you, not planning someone's murder, and if I were you, I'd hate him for that." Natsuki hated her father for the same basic reason, negligence. "I'd feel angry that he wasn't there for me, to help me grow up, because he's the only one you've got, and even if he isn't perfect, you do need him, and he needs you."

Nami nodded, her eyes shimmering with something Natsuki couldn't quite detect. "We aren't related." Nami said softly, swallowing back the pain she felt. "Not by blood anyway. I was adopted by a nice woman who took me home one day, away from the only other place I remember. She took me home, and said she was going to be my new mother. I was really little back then, but when she took me home my brother kinda didn't like me, but he grew on me. The same place she got me from, her work, that's where she died. I don't know why he's doing this, but if he wants to do it, I have to support him. He didn't ask to be my brother, or the person who takes care of me."

Natsuki nodded. Yamada likely had documents that kept them from being in foster care. That man was skilled, and she didn't have to question that simple detail, there was something though, something that stood out like a red flag, and Natsuki knew all too well what the child had been talking about...

"You lived in District One." It was the last piece of a long, difficult road. "Yamada finally found you two." Natsuki said, a smirk on her face. She'd been looking for so long, coming up empty handed, hoping beyond all hope that they had been okay. It was then, that her face fell. "Shit..." She cursed. She eyed Shizuru who nodded, and Natsuki shook her head. "That means...your parents." She didn't dare say it, knowing it would cause indescribable pain for all of them. "I was one of them too, you know." Natsuki said then, it was all she could say. "I grew up like you did, before I lost my mom."

"Yamada said that." Nami nodded. "That you would understand. That's why I've got to do it." Yet Nami knew Natsuki's story. "Why didn't you, ya know...keep on looking? He said you gave up. You told me you found something no one else had, but, was it enough?"

"Yes." Natsuki told the girl slowly. "It wasn't at first, and losing a parent will never be okay. It'll always sting, but chasing down your enemy is a dark path. There isn't any light there, and you'll get hurt." Natsuki couldn't believe that he'd found the last two children, the ones who were off the charts, rosters, and everything. They were so hard to track, and it worried Natsuki. Still, now that they found the girl, a new understanding set in.

This child was, after all, one of the reasons Natsuki had finally given her recherche to Yohko...to see if mass producing HiME could even be possible.

…  
(Natsuki POV, 2 years ago)

This place is a tomb for all of that and more. I realize now, as I look on aimlessly at the horrid womb of fate, that even if I hadn't been a HiME, it wouldn't mean my life would have been easy. If fact that had been the case...if I hadn't been born with that little red mark, perhaps I would have died as a small child. It is very likely I would have not had the strength to go on after my mother's passing. It was unbearable for a long time, and I lived in solitude created by my own inward madness. My love for the woman seeping with admiration, and I reached for a time that had long since been lost.

If it hadn't been for Shizuru...

I'd rather not think of the destruction she caused. However, truth be told, without her, and her dark, and sometime perverse natures, I'd be lost. Now, I vividly see traces of the pain we shared. Both in the charred brick, and the broken glass. Test tubes shattered, all traces gone already. The place I'm standing in used to be part of a series of labs. Shizuru decimated them. She was crazed back then, and didn't kill every single worker. She'd be horrified if she knew how well I remember her in that drastic state of mind.

I can't apologize for my actions this time.

I hadn't had that foresight in the past either, when the battle still covered the ground in blood, and the sky in a murky gray of smoke. I couldn't save Shizuru from making very dark mistakes that almost tore us apart. I couldn't stop the HiME from battling. I was powerless. Then the battles stopped...we won. All went back to the normalcy we expected and although it took time, I began to trust Shizuru again. I began to love her for the woman she was, although, I never chanced her emotions. Still, to this day, I tip toe around her carefully. Up until this night, it was the only way to live.

But...  
I can do one thing.  
I can come here, and save one more soul, at the very least.  
I couldn't save Shizuru, but...  
I can save someone from becoming another HiME.

"Are you sure you want her?" I hear his voice say. It's a male, one of my many contacts. Shizuru says I'm reckless sometimes. She thinks I have some bad company, but this is how it needs to be. "I finally got wind of the lab the girl was transferred to." He never shows himself to me, always hides in the shadows. "You've really pulled yourself into deep water this time, Kuga."

"Do you have the girl with you?" I knew the answer.

"She's safe, we'll be placing her in a new home soon." He tells me harshly. "Now listen up, I have information on the others." I could smell smoke in the air, his brand. His voice one of vocal authority. "There are a total of six that were left alive. All of them are children, created by the lab, and raised under the notion of becoming the ultimate human weapons. They were dispersed during the incident. One went to an orphanage. Two girls were transferred to a family of the industry. Two more are missing, and no one knows where they are. Then there's the child in my car, that makes her number six."

"Is that all you know?" I asked incredulously as I heard him chuckle under his breath.

"The two that went missing, they were the odd ones out. One was a little girl, the other was a young male." He told me gruffly, making a gesture with his hands "If you want more information, you'll need to pay me more money." The underworld isn't much for petty talk. Green bills are what talks far better than words ever could. "In the meantime, take what you came for and leave. Call me, if you can put some money in my hand up front. Then, I'll be glad to help any way I can, little lady." He left as swiftly as he came, and I stayed a few moments longer. Investigation takes a while, and I'm no master. Coming up empty handed, I went out to my car where the first piece of my puzzle began.

Names of families that worked in District One. They were split into two groups, those still alive, and those that no longer were. Still, even more the questions came in waves. These children we kept finding seemed like relatives, yet, we suspected that they shared a fate near mine. These names came with numbers that linked to bank accounts, and other interesting places...invested in stocks that seemed to lose sales, and never gain, products that would fall off the retail market...places where money was more than likely dispersed...a way for it to change hands. My mother had done that very same thing to me...and that begged the question...

Could you mass produce HiME?

…

Shizuru seemed as collected as one could be as they sat up in their bed that night, looking over names on a pretty short list. "I don't know, I really think Reito would be a good choice for a match." Even when the weight of understanding settled over them, so too did the acceptance that they would have to face it one day, and today just happened to be the time and place. It was difficult to hear, yes...and Shizuru had spent several long hours crying about it after Nami had gone to sleep in the guest room. Still life petered on, and with it, came the want for a child. "His family is just like mine, they have very similarity expectations. While it can be difficult, it would prove fortuitous for our children as they grow older."

Guilt could eat Shizuru alive her entire life, but it would mean nothing if she hadn't happiness to ebb away the pain.

"I don't know about that. I kinda wanted to stay away from the morals of the elite." Natsuki said as she sipped on the glass of wine she'd had setting on her bedside table. They'd tossed the idea back and forth, but picking a suitable donor from a random bank was out of the question. Natsuki insisted that the father be someone they knew, but trustworthy men like that were limited. "Besides that, Reito is a total and complete pain in the ass. I don't want my kid turning out like him, at all, remotely." Natsuki watched as Shizuru crossed him off the list. "Get rid of Tate too, Mai would be pissed at the idea."

"Perhaps we're being too selective in this." Shizuru nodded, doing as she was told. She agreed with the idea. "Takeda, he's a strong man, not at all bad when you think about it, but I don't know if I like his morals. He's simply a bit-"

"Perverse!" Natsuki growled. "No way in hell, off the list. Idiot would want to do it the old fashioned way. Jackass." Even she had to admit they were being extremely selective, but she wasn't about to settle at all.

"Wouldn't want that now would we." Shizuru made a red line across his name. Another strikeout it seemed as she sighed. "Well, Kazuya is out of the running now that he's proposed formally to Akane." Shizuru said logically. "I received an e-mail about that recently from Mai, she seemed quite excited. I doubt he would be willing to help."

"I got that damned thing well over seven times." The muttering made Shizuru giggle as she crossed off a few personal friends of hers from the university as well. Natsuki frowned then, and thought about it carefully, her eyes dancing on the page. "Why is Ken on the list?"

"Besides the fact that you are friends with him, and he is your boss." Shizuru shrugged, it was just a good a choice as any in her eyes. "I thought he would be someone to consider, at the very least."

Natsuki shook her head, she didn't like that idea. "Ken is a good guy, and he was around for his kid, I'll give him that. But, he isn't exactly the kind of guy who would go for something like this. Besides, I've known him ever since I was little, and there were moments in time when I used to spend the night over at his house when Mom wasn't home. He's looked after me for so long, it would be kinda weird to ask him, and also, kinda gross." She noticed that they were missing a rather important name though, someone she'd been considering even before she told Shizuru she wanted children. "Takumi's not on the list."

"He was a bit young, so I left him off of it." Shizuru nodded. "You said you wanted the father to be someone we knew. Considering he's still just a teen, I thought it best not to consider him."

"Why the hell did you do that for, it's not like we're going to screw him!" Natsuki ranted then. "Think about it, he's a nice guy, mild mannered, even tempered...so yeah, he's a little young, who cares, we're going to be raising the baby...not him." Though the entire reason she wanted the father in the child's life stood to reason. She wanted a man around, on the sidelines, one that could prove his worth. She wanted someone to be what she couldn't, a man in the kid's life. Shizuru didn't think about the topic as if it were one of utter importance, but Natsuki seemed adamant. "It's an instant family for the baby, Shizuru. More than we could ever give it on our own. Mai would be a wonderful aunt, and Akira probably wouldn't mind if we asked Takumi to be the father, she's not nearly as territorial over things like this."

"I still feel a bank would be a better idea." Shizuru said calmly, though she did understand Natsuki's point. Children needed strong role models, and solid protection. The two of them couldn't exactly do that on their own. Not completely. "There are probably plenty of strong healthy donors. As you know, Takumi's had a long list of health problems."

"That he overcame and recovered from. He's a fighter, and you know as well as I do that he's growing into a good man, with strong morals." Natsuki told Shizuru pointedly. "Between my trust fund, and you're inheritance, we have more money than we need. If our child needs medical care, we can afford the very best. We won't be like Mai, we won't struggle to keep ourselves above water." It was a concern though, and Natsuki knew that. Still, she couldn't help but feel as if Takumi was the best choice out of everyone she knew. "He's more mature than we give him credit for, but if you think about it, he and Mai had to raise themselves. He knows the importance of being there for someone." He would also be there for the baby, if god forbid, something happened to them. "Things happen, Shizuru...you know that."

"I just don't think it would be a good idea." Shizuru said then, regarding Natsuki through her thin reading glasses. She could see that fear, it was one Natsuki herself faced. What person, what parent, wouldn't be afraid for something like that? Natsuki however, she knew first hand it could be true. "I have no doubts that Takumi would rise above and beyond, if we asked him such a thing. He is becoming that type of man, it's what he's wanted to be most of all. Still, he is young, and aspirations change, his health is an important factor that we must consider."

"Hun, I hate to burst your bubble here, but the very notion of a 'good idea' fucked itself over the very day I decided that I wanted to carry a baby." Natsuki still didn't know how she felt about the entire thing. She did want to do it, at least once, she wanted to know what it was like, even if it bugged her a bit. She knew the others would laugh at her, her image she'd worked so hard to attain would be shattered. "Besides that, you give me one good reason why Takumi isn't a great choice...keeping in mind that it can't have anything to do with his age, or his past heath record."

Shizuru drew a blank...there were no other reasons she could think of. He really was growing into a fine young man, and now that he was in high school, it wasn't unfounded. Odd though, very odd...and highly questionable...though she assumed her entire life was consumed with questionable acts. What was another one on the list? She assumed Natsuki felt the same way. "Well, I suppose it wouldn't be the worst choice we'd ever made in our lives." In fact, it might be one of the better choices they made, depending on if he accepted the idea or not. "I want you to be happy, that's all I want for you, Natsuki."

"And what about you?" Natsuki asked then, pulling off Shizuru's glasses. "Aren't you entitled to the same thing?" She had to admit, gazing into her eyes, as she was doing now, she found Shizuru quite intimidating. There were times she wanted to reach out, and do things that her shyness still wouldn't let her do, at least not without an invitation. "Can't we both be happy? Don't we both deserve at least that much?" They could, that's what they were striving for, and Natsuki knew that, and yet still, she bit her lip, asking for permission to do what she was hoping for.

Her lost, dazzled stare, and emerald eyes filled with longing told Shizuru what Natsuki wanted. She took one of Natsuki's hands in her's and kissed the back of it. Then she let herself envelop Natsuki in an embrace, her arms pulling the woman she loved close. "What are you waiting for, lover?" Shizuru breathed, guiding Natsuki's hand under the covers, pressing thin fingers to her core. "You know I need this too."


End file.
